Hurrah!
Thank you to a (slightly underestimated) Badger, and resident of the Den of Iniquity, for recovering something of value to The Roni, and hopefully to you all...
The Cast
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, The Cast List:The Roni: the man, the myth, the legend herself.
The Char-Vegas Girlfriends:
The Boobs: The pourer of many a jack & coke, a certified member of Parliament in Brazil, and one bad ass chick. She makes The Roni look like a nun.
Hester Prynne: she of the high pitched squeal, she of the TERRIBLE driving record, she of much notoriety among the men in Char-Vegas because she's damn hot.
The Bunny: friend, confidante, fellow Mean Girl. The Bunny will look The Roni straight in the eye and tell her her chances look good after a boy has thrown his beer on The Roni and run away screaming. And The Roni will believe it. That's how good The Bunny is.
Regina George: Regina would sit in the hallway of The Greatest Law School of All Time and hold up scorecards for the passerbyers if she could. Thankfully the rest of the Mean Girls won't let her go quite that far. Plus, The Roni has never seen her not impeccably attired and done up. The Roni wants to break into Regina's house at 6am just to verify that she does not, in fact, sleep in knee-high boots and a knee-length skirt with makeup on.
The Quiet Storm: in every group there is one who will never say no to a good time, and The Quiet Storm is ours. She takes The Roni's party attendance out back, smacks it around and calls it Sally.
La Brez: a thinner, less rotund, slightly more tactful, far more beautiful version of The Roni herself. Which basically means that La Brez is out sitting on bar stools pinching cute butts whenever she gets the chance.
The Sorority Sister: sister's got soul, and that's why she's my sister. Sister's also got game, and The Roni is hoping to pick up some pointers from her...
Foxxy Cleopatra: the name says it all, she's Foxxy Cleopatra and she's a whole lotta woman!
The Fashion Inspiration: some may call The Roni 80's girl, and to that high honer, I owe everything I know to my Fashion Inspiration.
The NY Friends:
The Roommate: the original Roommate of The Roni and the erstwhile common law spouse.
Narcoleptic Slut: NS once passed out while making out with a dude. We've never quite recovered from it.
Pooch: let's just say that Pooch discovered the all-you-can-drink Brunch place for us in NY, and we've been friends ever since.
The Rest of the Posse:
Zeus: my rock, my bizarro twin, my beard-growing homie (much like Jesus). Though he sometimes waxes a little too philosophical for The Roni. (She likes to keep it short, sweet and superficial.)
Dirk Diggler: best pair of pecs this side of the Mississippi.
GayWASPiness: GW is like the yin to The Roni's yang. Solidarity in blogging, my man.
Various Other Names That Might Come up:
Mr. Big: last year's major crush, who majorly crushed The Roni
The Cohabitators: obvi
The Sisters (1 & 2): virtual twins of The Roni, only cooler.
Two Boots: The Roni's new crush material. He's got two boots, and The Roni wants to knock them both.
MMCP: (Milky Milky Cocoa Puff) The Roni wishes he was her humps, but sadly that sentiment is apparently not shared.
The Lil' Darlin': jest about the cutest durn boy The Roni's e'er laid eyes on. A total dream. Sadly, he's taken...by The Sorority Sister.
The Apple of Our Eye (Apple): mess with her and you mess with the whole Panty Posse.
Your Shirt Says "Giblets" (Giblets): Regina's latest love intrigue
The Preacher: chef, Nicholas Sparks lover and mafioso, currently "seeing" The Sorority Sister
Public Service Announcement:
In light of this recent thread on XOXO, http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=311835&mc=29&forum_id=2#4458220, The Roni would like to say one thing:I don't suppose I can expect much from someone who calls themself "Douchebag," but in a rare moment wherein The Roni experienced an emotion she was not very familiar with, The Roni was actually...a little...hurt. I know, go figure. You think that when a girl's got an ass like a Rhinocerous (and it's true all you XOXOers, The Roni has a big, delicious ass, and you won't ever get a piece of it), you think she's impervious to your taunts. But nay, The Roni, too, has feelings. They mostly consist of "hungry" and "oooh, cute butt!" but sometimes something like this sneaks in there and gives The Roni pause.So I would just like to say that I am sorry if you think my little realm in the ether is lame. I hope it doesn't actively offend you, seeing as I neither (a) discuss anything about you or your life, or (b) go out of my way to get you to look at this blog. I guess I was just hoping that the people I actually think are socially redeeming in this world, who share my sense of humor and about whom I enjoy talking, would enjoy having a little corner of the ether in which to share our stories, laugh about eachother, and proclaim proudly from the mountaintops, "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"Apologies to all ye XOXOers who find offense in this. But you know what The Roni's got for you? It's a big bowl of LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I don't bother you, so why god, why are you bothering me!I thought, briefly, about shutting this puppy down, but then the words of every woman's heroine came to my mind. In my head, I saw it...I saw Bridget Fonda in that hideous sailor bathingsuit, on her knees in front of Jimmy Valentine, and I head her saying "They're not going to lick me! They're not going to lick me!! If I have to lie (that comes v easily to The Roni) and cheat (she doesn't do that on principle) and steal (she definitely doesn't do this, to all those Good Standing Committee members of the Bar out there), I'll NEVER go hungry again!" (I do, afterall, have to feed my ass...)
A Challenge
It's recently been pointed out to The Roni that this "Anonymous" is going around spewing guesses about the true identities of The Roni and her close, personal, intimate in a non-biblical sense way frien GayWASPiness in their cyber-dwellings. In the words of Aaron in Bring It On, "uh uh. Not cool." The Roni thinks this "Anonymous" is becoming anonymannoying. The Roni thinks that if you want to go peeking underneath our skirts, you should at least have the cojones (sp? The Roni didn't take spanish...) not to hide under your own veil of secrecy. If the majority of states have accepted piercing the corporate veil, we think you should to, Anonymannoying.
More Fritos, please.
Another Blind Item:Which GayWASPiness experienced a v successful blind date last night that may or may not have included breakfast this morning?(Thank you to Regina George for that one...)Also, on a side note, if you don't f-ing like what The Roni has to say, don't f-ing read her rantings!! You came to me, people, not vice versa. As The Roni learned in property last year, if you come to the nuisance, SUCK IT.
posted by The Roni at 2:20 PM
Juanita at the Diner
Bar Bri videos are the most ridiculous display of 1970's humor I have ever seen. Apparently Juanita at the Diner selling her shares of stock in Maybury Realty Corp does not count as an issuance. Good to know.Blind Items:1. Which delicious hunk of a man emerged from a room in The Den of Iniquity last night, and then seconds later, was followed by a 1L girl The Roni has never seen before. Shame on you; if you're going to pull a Brittney & Jared Leto, don't do it right in front of The Roni while she's in line for the toily.2. What Blog persona has his fingers on more gossip around The Greatest Law School of All Time than The Roni? And WHO IS HE?? Anyone who can identify this mysterious maligner, please alert The Roni.3. Which close, personal friend of The Roni made a trip to the Undergrad campus to visit a lovely lady friend, spent an hour watching tv, and then got kicked out without so much as a kiss on the cheek? Honestly, if you're going fishing in the undergrad pond, you better at least catch a goldfish.4. Report from The Sorority Sister's date: date was excellent. They watched The Saw (ah, The Roni loves touching romances) and The Notebook (The Roni is having trouble holding back her gag reflex). He cleaned AND baked. The Roni thinks this is love.
posted by The Roni at 12:39 PM
A veritable Cornucopia of Blind Items
The Roni has a beef with her lady-friends. The Boobs, Hester P, Foxxy Cleopatra, The Quiet Storm and The Roni were supposed to have a nice, calm martini after The 'Brary closed, then off to bed. The plan was for Foxxy and The Roni to pick the other two up at a certain Den of Iniquity and take them to Aisle 13 for said martini. Somewhere in her heart of hearts (i.e. somewhere, behind a dustball or two in the little tin box in her chest) The Roni knew this was never going to be, but she wanted to believe, and so, she did.10:30pm, Foxxy calls The Roni and says that she's found her couch, pajama pants and a bottle of wine. She's not going out.11pm, the scheduled time for The Boobs and Hester P to call for their ride. Nothing. 11:15, The Roni's phone rings. This is what she heards "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!! [static, static] [background screams] [sound of gunfire] [sound of pure, unadulterated sin manifested in sound waves] The party is AWESOME...you should COOOOOME!!!" The Roni has trouble understanding what she's hearing, but those could only be the high pitched squealings Hester P. The Roni's willpower slowly begins to drain from her. "Is there...beer?" "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuure! Coooooooooome, it's SOO fun!" shouts Hester P. "But there's, like, there's definitely BEER there, right?" Presses The Roni. "Oh yeeeaaaah. Fer sure. Also, Jamaican Pine is here."At this point, The Roni has already dropped her phone, ripped her sweatpants off her body (oh, who is she kidding, The Roni never wears pants in The House), thrown on the tightest jeans she could possibly find (all The Roni's jeans fit like she was dipped in denim paint), pulled, prodded and hoisted her boobs until they were on a platter, swabbed on some mascara (rule #1: never leave the house without mascara), and run out of The House like she was being chased by wild dogs.The Roni hops into The Ronimobile and starts making the long, long (emotionally speaking) drive to The Den of Iniquity (abandon all hope, all ye who enter here). Suddenly her phone rings again. "Hey." Ah, that could only be the deadpan tone of The Boobs. "This party rocks. You should come. Jamaican Pine is here." What is it with The Roni's friends that they know exaclty what to say to motivate her to overcome her intense dislike of The Den of Iniquity? They could have said "Dude, you HAVE to get down here! Aliens have landed and are teaching us to build a machine that prints flawless $100 bills and simultaneously makes you look like Cindy Crawford!" and The Roni would have passed. Anyhow, with the persistent urgings of both The Boobs and Hester P, The Roni was persuaded to make her way to The Den of Iniquity. (i.e. two 45 second phone calls wherein one tasty piece of booty's name was mentioned and The Roni was out like a fat kid in dodgeball.)As much as she hates to say this, though, the party ruled. It ruled like Louis XIV ruled, THAT'S how good it was. The Roni made a poor showing at pong, which she was disappointed about. Especially since she lost, twice, to The-Ex. But he deserved to beat her; he does, after all, spend all his time playing pong, and if he wasn't good at it, that would be a miserable waste of time. But overall, the night was a roaring success. Many cute little behinds found their way to the corner where The Roni was holding court, and she thoroughly enjoyed pretending to talk to them while simultanously assessing just how cute their booties were.The winner of The Cutest Boy of the Day Award goes to The Lil' Darlin'; he was a stunning tale weaver for The Roni last night, he has a marvellous bum, and is just the cutest boy there ever could be. The Roni wholeheartedly approves of him as The Sorority Sister's boyfriend.More blind items and an interesting, ongoing anthropological study in a bit...
posted by The Roni at 11:00 AM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Now we're really in trouble...
Oh shit. I'm all out of bubble gum.No, seriously. The Roni chews bubble gum compulsively when studying. Likely because she has a tremendous oral fixation (knock yourselves out, undergrad psych majors...and all The Roni's friends with the minds of 12 year olds). Regardless, the last piece of Super Bubble just went in the kisser and things could get ugly. No bubble gum? No cute bums to contemplate? No pre-adolescent crushes to strategically "wander by" in The 'Brary for a study break? The Roni just might crack...
posted by The Roni at 5:57 PM
OMG
Ser, people, The Roni is going stir crazy. It took her all of four minutes to drink her Extra-Large Chai Tea Latte, and she thinks the cinnamon has gone to her brain. She cannot sit at a table for eight + (8+) hours without running through The 'Brary screaming and ripping her clothes off. Sadly, all the hot little tushies have apparently decided to study elsewhere today (? what? when was this decided? The Roni was not informed.) so there is no real motivation to allow people a glimpse of her luscious waves of flab as she tears down the hall in a screaming rage.In the words of The Sister 2, "it's another beautiful day in Temporary Town [where The Sister 2 is taking a 4 month hiatus]; the sun is completely blocked from the sky, the clouds are ominous, and it's a balmy 12 degrees." But there is one bit of shiny lining on that nasty cloud (The Roni loves shiny things. Big, sparkly, Cartier-spawned, shiny things...); the official Yay! of the Day goes to MelG for throwin' some sick tunes on her iTunes. The Roni loves to listen to your music on the network. It's almost like being able to play in Carrie Bradshaw's closet - a chance to try all kinds of fabulous things The Roni does not own and does not intend to spend the cash to acquire.
posted by The Roni at 5:24 PM 3 comments
Friendly note from The Boobs:
fyi - i just learned that "The Supreme Court ruled that an Indiana statute prohibiting public nudity could be used to require that female dancers must, at a minimum wear pasties and g-strings when they dance." in case you were wondering. bet you don't get to talk about pasties in corporations.The Roni says, where's the fun in stripping if Souter's going to make you wear pasties and a g-string?The Boobs replies, I like pasties. I think I might buy some and wear them to school.Lucky for The Boobs, The Roomates bought The Roni a pair of boobie tassles for her birthday last year...
posted by The Roni at 11:51 AM 0 comments
What does this mean?
The Roni is tired. The Roni is very, very tired.After a day of slugging away on truly provocative legal doctrine (note the sarcasm), The Roni decided to spend a nice, relaxing evening watching Elf with The Bunny and Regina George and then getting to bed early. This did not happen. The Roni blames the fifteen (15) cups of coffee she had yesterday and Tom Wolff, for writing I am Charlotte Simmons, which The Roni is currently reading and could not put down last night until 3:30 a.m. Two things happened as a result of pushing The Roni's bedtime back a cool four hours. First, The Roni decided waking up at 7 a.m. to go to the gym was not that sweet of an idea. This, of course, foils The Roni's plan to have her body begin to eat her ass. Well played, ass.Second, The Roni had a bizarre and vivid dream last night. The Roni rarely dreams; she usually just passes out cold in a half-empty box of poppa john's. (Oh, who are we kidding, the box is empty. Sad, alone and empty, like The Roni's miserable existence. Oh the tribulations of being a girl who eats her feelings...) Perhaps this dream was provoked by the prolonged talk she had with Zeus about his extremely bizarre dream right before she went to sleep. Perhaps it was the Qdoba. Regarldess, The Roni had this dream which she takes to be very profound. In it, we were in the library studying and MMCP (or The Shetland Pony, as thoughtful reader Ad Coelum noted) comes in on crutches - The Roni is surprised - followed by his fiancee - The Roni dies from shock.MMCP is not engage, but The Roni takes this as sure sign that the gods have frowned on this crush and are telling her, in no uncertain terms, to move on. But then again, The Roni would hardly qualify as an "expert" on psychology and dream manifestation for purposes of the Federal Rules of Evidence, so what does she know.So that was The Roni's exciting 12 hour hiatus from The 'Brary.And now, some blind item quotes:3. The Narwhale: "Bye Buddy! Hope you find your dad..."4. Zeus, on learning Chinese: "If I could speak Spanish and Chinese, I could be a BILLIONAIRE!"5. The Bunny: "We're so mean. I love us."6. Lucas, from Empire Records: "What's with today, today?"
posted by The Roni at 10:12 AM 1 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
Update from The 'Brary
People, you need to be here to see this. Jamaican Pine keeps walking right by The Roni, (in an effort to seduce her? Or just caught in her ass's gravitational pull?) but he insists on toying with The Roni and bending over to "tie his shoes" right in The Roni's line of sight. And by "tie his shoes" I mean, tossing that scrumptious little be-hind in the air. This is taking some painful restraint on the part of The Roni.
posted by The Roni at 5:34 PM 3 comments
Oh Geez.
How on earth is The Roni supposed to study now? Jamaican Pine, the hottest little piece of booty this side of Compton just rolled into The 'Brary and it's all The Roni can do not to run over to him, throw him down on the table and ravage his sweet, supple self. As The Sorority Sister says, "it gives new meaning to 'riding the Pine.'" Amen, Sister, amen.
posted by The Roni at 4:23 PM 0 comments
Damn, looks like EVERYONE was stepping out last night!
Just got this email from The Designer:"got a call from pooch. left her whole purse in the cab and the driver must have called most every person in her phone book bc a) she's getting emails from ex-bf and other undesirables about her phoneb) her dad got woken up at 230 AM to a phone call from a man who he could barely understand and thought the guy was saying "i have your daughter" instead of "i have your daughters phone" . oh man!c) she took home a 22 year old and remembers nothing about what happened. he was an employee of one of her friends and her friend was calling her all morning like "ummmm... have you seen my employee that you took home bc he hasn't shown up yet...."d) pooch is not at work today. "
posted by The Roni at 3:46 PM 0 comments
Two more quick things and A BLIND ITEM!
1. Update from La Brez - Hotel Rouge has...wait for it...Zebra bathrobes. Would you expect anything less?2. While The Roni is asking for advice, she thought she might throw another log on the fire. Last night The Roni did something potentially stupid. She is going to be visiting The Sister 1 in Suburbia over Christmas break, as is Teurel, who will be visiting Suss who just had a baby. Go figure. Anyways, The Roni and Teurel can't go for more than twenty four (24) hours without ten jack & cokes, so they figured they'd try to get out on the town while they were there. So who does The Roni email to ask to take them out on the town? None other than Mr. Big. This is most likely a terrible idea, but The Roni is hoping someone will tell her that it's not THE WORST idea ever to (a) have emailed him, (b) see him, and potentially (c) maybe have a brief rekindling of the flames that burned (The Roni alive) all last year?
posted by The Roni at 10:50 AM 1 comments
"I wanna take ya pictcha..."
The Roni went out last night. That's right, it's exams and the Roni was boozing. But that's just how The Roni rolls.Anyhew, several interesting observations were made:1. The Roni has a problem. She's hooked and she can't stop starin'.Usually quite the diligent student, The Roni has not the time for the pleasures of the flesh, (that's not even remotely true) but lately she has been noticing a startling number of hot tushies wandering around The Greatest Law School of All Time. Last year, there was nothing doing around this place, but now they are everywhere! It all started with The Roni's new crush, My Milky Milky Coco Puff (if you don't know The Roni's Theme Song, My Humps, by the BEP, then get out of my ether-manse right now). MMCP has a delicious, succulent ass that The Roni loves to stare at (while it runs away from her, screaming. MMCP, not the ass...). But then it wasn't just MMCP - tight nubile booties were popping up everywhere! Maybe it's The Roni's own prominent ass that is calling her to notice that more rotund feature, much like whale song, only from ass to ass.The bottom line is, now The Roni cannot stop looking at all the cute little behinds walking around The Greatest Law School of All Time. And she likes it.2. The second issue I would like to call your attention to is The Exam Beard. We all know that right around exams, everyone gets a little loose in the hygeine department. (Last year The Roni went nine (9) days without showering. She's hoping to break that record this semester. ) And in that trend, many of the fairer sex (The Roni thinks that dudes are the fairer sex, since The Roni doesn't really like to look at chicks unless it's to eviscerate them. Also see above discussion on all the tight booties The Roni can't help but noticing lately) begin to grow beards. The rationale behind this is that exams are too stressful and boys are too busy to shave.Now, The Roni likes a manly beard, thus she encouraged Zeus to grow a nice manly beard (Zeus grows a great beard). This was several days ago. Last night when The Roni was pounding beers with Zeus and Dirk Diggler (her two favorite men alive), she inspected the progress of the Exam Beard and made a shocking discovery - Zeus has been shaving his neck.The Roni finds this unacceptable. A of all, it completely violates the rationale of the Exam Beard; if he has time to shave his neck, he has time to shave the whole kit and kaboodle. B of all, it makes Zeus look far too much like Kevin Federline (which is a little too close for comfort where Zeus is concerned...). Literally the boy had a line right under his chin where the beard stopped and the neck began.I hate to be so harsh to a man as fabulous as Zeus, and we all know that The Roni is a heinous bitch, so let me put it to you - is The Roni wrong on this one? Is shaving at the neck kosher, or should Zeus be taken out back and shot, as a proxy for the sins that Kevin Federline has committed?3. And finally, a gripe. The Roni woke up this morning to discover that there was no hot water left. The Roni's Roomates almost never wake up before The Roni, thus this was a shocking and disappointing surprise for The Roni, who only wanted to wash away her sins in a scalding hot, steamy act of contrition. But no dice. She can't really hold it against The Roomate, but at least she had blocked her car in and made The Roomate wait until she had finished her toilet before she moved The Ronimobile.
posted by The Roni at 10:24 AM 4 comments
Thursday, December 01, 2005
La Brez recently sent me this: http://www.rougehotel.com/The firm she is interviewing with is putting her up in this hotel the night before her interview. For the uninitiated, law firms foolishly pay to fly law students around the globe for 3 hours of interviewing and an extravagant lunch. The firm will also pay for a night in a hotel room if the student is coming from far away. And by far away I mean if you are interviewing in midtown and your school is downtown, they will put you up in the hotel. [Please don't let this reference to NYC fool you into thinking that The Roni attends NYU Law. The Greatest Law School of All Time is waaaay better than that school for flunkies.]But I digress...Generally speaking (and The Roni loves to speak in broad generalizations that rarely actually pertain to real life and are largely just products of The Roni's own vast and powerful mind), generally speaking, these hotels are close to the firm and not all that fabulous. The Roni has yet to stay in the Plaza, but she's keeping her fingers crossed.So when I saw this from La Brez, I was instantly curious. Generally (again, gross, largely speculative generalization) firms tend to shy away from hotels upholstered in red velour with enormous fur blankets, no?
posted by The Roni at 7:05 PM 0 comments
Musings from Corporate Finance
For those of you unfamiliar with The Roni, I am a law student at The Greatest Law School of All Time. I say this for those of you on the slightly more dense side, because this fact should be obvious to everyone else from my scorching intellect.I have two things to say to you right now:1. Law Students should not take classes that deal with "practical" matters. I reference Corporate Finance. This is a "real" class, and you all know how The Roni frowns on "reality." Law students are just not equipped to deal with classes where real things like numbers and equations are involved. We're not prepared for situations where there is, like, a real live actual answer to a question. We're all about essay questions where there is no absolute answer and no matter how long you type you can never hit on every aspect of the "answer." So while I sit here in my TWO AND A HALF HOUR Corporate Finance class, I wonder "why on earth do I insist on drinking a beer during this class every thursday because it only makes me so very sleepy..." [note to the unfamiliar - The Greatest Law School of All Time has a keg at school every thursday]. But I also think "why on earth am I taking this class?" It really sucks The Roni's will to live, and The Roni already has so very little to live for...This, incidentally, leads me to a side-bar comment. Think of it as Thought 1.5: I love classes entitled "...And the Law." Like, oh yeah, while we talk about Environmental Policy and Theory in the Latter Half of the 19th Century, we're also going to talk about THE LAW, because it's such an easy topic to tackle in the 8 weeks of class we have...2. The Roni has come to an interesting realization in her life. She has finally realized, after a quarter century, that people are f-ing weird. This is reassuring, as The Roni hates to be the only one doing anything. If she's going to be the bizarre, idiosyncratic, outrageous person she is, there darn well better be some nose-picking, fart-smelling post-adolescent out there to join her on the list of People Who Are Just Plain Weird. Thank you nose-picking, fart-smelling 25 year old guy. What are you doing this weekend? The Roni could use a date...
posted by The Roni at 5:15 PM 0 comments
Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Well, there goes the neighborhood.Just as you experienced a wave of euphoria when Kid Rock and Joe C unpacked their subwoofers next door, so too shall you rejoice when you see who's moved in now. That's right, there's a new game in town, and her hookers won't be afraid to park in your driveway, metaphorically speaking.The Roni isn't even exactly sure what that means, but it does seem like a perfectly apt way of describing what she's cooking up here. It's a little tactless, a bit more bizarre, a whole lot shameless and straight from the heart. Well, The Roni doesn't have a heart, just a little tin box in her chest where her heart should be. But straight from that empty shell in her chest cavity, The Roni has made you something special. After all, 'tis the season.
But first, The Roni has some rules:
1. The Roni believes, above all else, in the pursuit of excellence. While she has continuously failed to achieve this goal herself, she nonetheless believes that all people should aim high. And The Roni will be there to ridicule you mercilessly when you fall far, far short.
2. The Roni understands that we've all woken up in Mexico city, covered in tequila with a tattoo that says "I [heart]Rodrigo" on your ass and a dead hooker in the closet. Some people more than others (The Roni still wonders how TWO "I [heart] Rodrigo"s fit on her left cheek, but The Roni has an enourmous ass, so she does not spend much time pondering this marvel.) Thus The Roni will try her best to protect your anonymity. Your dignity she cares nothing about. As The Roni's boyfriend, Vince Vaughn, said "you did it to yourself, baby."
3. The Roni also wholeheartedly believes in self-indulgence. Things like the rules of grammar, spelling, syntax, "privacy," tact, "reality," mean nothing to her. She believes you can never have too many elipses, Kit Kats, hoop earrings, imaginary boyfriends (The Roni has LOADS of these), illicit rendezvous...es (rendezvouses? rendezvous's? rendezvi?), shout outs to her preponderous derriere and jack and cokes. Please indulge her these things, she has so little else to keep her going...
4. The Roni LOVES gossip. She loves it. She eats it for breakfast. Well, that and a big bowl of bitchy. She will, whenever possible, attempt to send a little nugget your way. She makes no voucher for the accuracy, privacy, or timeliness of said gossip. But if she hears it, and The Roni thinks you've been good enough girls and boys for her to pass it on, she'll do it. You did it to yourself, baby. (Thanks Vincy...Jen, if I see your little skank self around my man again, I swear I will take you out back and knock those 15 pounds you lost for Friends straight from my ass to yours.)
Ok then neighbors, I think that just about covers it. I'll try to make a visit your way again soon. But for now...I gots to study.
PS In checking to reassure herself of the proper spelling of "derriere," The Roni found the above picture on Google. The Roni would like you to know that this resembles not even remotely her ass. This is in case you were reading her blog in an attempt to score with her; The Roni just wants you to know what you're getting yourself into. And it is decidedly NOT the succulent behind in the picture.
posted by The Roni at 3:36 PM 3 comments
The Cast
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, The Cast List:The Roni: the man, the myth, the legend herself.
The Char-Vegas Girlfriends:
The Boobs: The pourer of many a jack & coke, a certified member of Parliament in Brazil, and one bad ass chick. She makes The Roni look like a nun.
Hester Prynne: she of the high pitched squeal, she of the TERRIBLE driving record, she of much notoriety among the men in Char-Vegas because she's damn hot.
The Bunny: friend, confidante, fellow Mean Girl. The Bunny will look The Roni straight in the eye and tell her her chances look good after a boy has thrown his beer on The Roni and run away screaming. And The Roni will believe it. That's how good The Bunny is.
Regina George: Regina would sit in the hallway of The Greatest Law School of All Time and hold up scorecards for the passerbyers if she could. Thankfully the rest of the Mean Girls won't let her go quite that far. Plus, The Roni has never seen her not impeccably attired and done up. The Roni wants to break into Regina's house at 6am just to verify that she does not, in fact, sleep in knee-high boots and a knee-length skirt with makeup on.
The Quiet Storm: in every group there is one who will never say no to a good time, and The Quiet Storm is ours. She takes The Roni's party attendance out back, smacks it around and calls it Sally.
La Brez: a thinner, less rotund, slightly more tactful, far more beautiful version of The Roni herself. Which basically means that La Brez is out sitting on bar stools pinching cute butts whenever she gets the chance.
The Sorority Sister: sister's got soul, and that's why she's my sister. Sister's also got game, and The Roni is hoping to pick up some pointers from her...
Foxxy Cleopatra: the name says it all, she's Foxxy Cleopatra and she's a whole lotta woman!
The Fashion Inspiration: some may call The Roni 80's girl, and to that high honer, I owe everything I know to my Fashion Inspiration.
The NY Friends:
The Roommate: the original Roommate of The Roni and the erstwhile common law spouse.
Narcoleptic Slut: NS once passed out while making out with a dude. We've never quite recovered from it.
Pooch: let's just say that Pooch discovered the all-you-can-drink Brunch place for us in NY, and we've been friends ever since.
The Rest of the Posse:
Zeus: my rock, my bizarro twin, my beard-growing homie (much like Jesus). Though he sometimes waxes a little too philosophical for The Roni. (She likes to keep it short, sweet and superficial.)
Dirk Diggler: best pair of pecs this side of the Mississippi.
GayWASPiness: GW is like the yin to The Roni's yang. Solidarity in blogging, my man.
Various Other Names That Might Come up:
Mr. Big: last year's major crush, who majorly crushed The Roni
The Cohabitators: obvi
The Sisters (1 & 2): virtual twins of The Roni, only cooler.
Two Boots: The Roni's new crush material. He's got two boots, and The Roni wants to knock them both.
MMCP: (Milky Milky Cocoa Puff) The Roni wishes he was her humps, but sadly that sentiment is apparently not shared.
The Lil' Darlin': jest about the cutest durn boy The Roni's e'er laid eyes on. A total dream. Sadly, he's taken...by The Sorority Sister.
The Apple of Our Eye (Apple): mess with her and you mess with the whole Panty Posse.
Your Shirt Says "Giblets" (Giblets): Regina's latest love intrigue
The Preacher: chef, Nicholas Sparks lover and mafioso, currently "seeing" The Sorority Sister
Public Service Announcement:
In light of this recent thread on XOXO, http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=311835&mc=29&forum_id=2#4458220, The Roni would like to say one thing:I don't suppose I can expect much from someone who calls themself "Douchebag," but in a rare moment wherein The Roni experienced an emotion she was not very familiar with, The Roni was actually...a little...hurt. I know, go figure. You think that when a girl's got an ass like a Rhinocerous (and it's true all you XOXOers, The Roni has a big, delicious ass, and you won't ever get a piece of it), you think she's impervious to your taunts. But nay, The Roni, too, has feelings. They mostly consist of "hungry" and "oooh, cute butt!" but sometimes something like this sneaks in there and gives The Roni pause.So I would just like to say that I am sorry if you think my little realm in the ether is lame. I hope it doesn't actively offend you, seeing as I neither (a) discuss anything about you or your life, or (b) go out of my way to get you to look at this blog. I guess I was just hoping that the people I actually think are socially redeeming in this world, who share my sense of humor and about whom I enjoy talking, would enjoy having a little corner of the ether in which to share our stories, laugh about eachother, and proclaim proudly from the mountaintops, "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"Apologies to all ye XOXOers who find offense in this. But you know what The Roni's got for you? It's a big bowl of LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I don't bother you, so why god, why are you bothering me!I thought, briefly, about shutting this puppy down, but then the words of every woman's heroine came to my mind. In my head, I saw it...I saw Bridget Fonda in that hideous sailor bathingsuit, on her knees in front of Jimmy Valentine, and I head her saying "They're not going to lick me! They're not going to lick me!! If I have to lie (that comes v easily to The Roni) and cheat (she doesn't do that on principle) and steal (she definitely doesn't do this, to all those Good Standing Committee members of the Bar out there), I'll NEVER go hungry again!" (I do, afterall, have to feed my ass...)
A Challenge
It's recently been pointed out to The Roni that this "Anonymous" is going around spewing guesses about the true identities of The Roni and her close, personal, intimate in a non-biblical sense way frien GayWASPiness in their cyber-dwellings. In the words of Aaron in Bring It On, "uh uh. Not cool." The Roni thinks this "Anonymous" is becoming anonymannoying. The Roni thinks that if you want to go peeking underneath our skirts, you should at least have the cojones (sp? The Roni didn't take spanish...) not to hide under your own veil of secrecy. If the majority of states have accepted piercing the corporate veil, we think you should to, Anonymannoying.
More Fritos, please.
Another Blind Item:Which GayWASPiness experienced a v successful blind date last night that may or may not have included breakfast this morning?(Thank you to Regina George for that one...)Also, on a side note, if you don't f-ing like what The Roni has to say, don't f-ing read her rantings!! You came to me, people, not vice versa. As The Roni learned in property last year, if you come to the nuisance, SUCK IT.
posted by The Roni at 2:20 PM
Juanita at the Diner
Bar Bri videos are the most ridiculous display of 1970's humor I have ever seen. Apparently Juanita at the Diner selling her shares of stock in Maybury Realty Corp does not count as an issuance. Good to know.Blind Items:1. Which delicious hunk of a man emerged from a room in The Den of Iniquity last night, and then seconds later, was followed by a 1L girl The Roni has never seen before. Shame on you; if you're going to pull a Brittney & Jared Leto, don't do it right in front of The Roni while she's in line for the toily.2. What Blog persona has his fingers on more gossip around The Greatest Law School of All Time than The Roni? And WHO IS HE?? Anyone who can identify this mysterious maligner, please alert The Roni.3. Which close, personal friend of The Roni made a trip to the Undergrad campus to visit a lovely lady friend, spent an hour watching tv, and then got kicked out without so much as a kiss on the cheek? Honestly, if you're going fishing in the undergrad pond, you better at least catch a goldfish.4. Report from The Sorority Sister's date: date was excellent. They watched The Saw (ah, The Roni loves touching romances) and The Notebook (The Roni is having trouble holding back her gag reflex). He cleaned AND baked. The Roni thinks this is love.
posted by The Roni at 12:39 PM
A veritable Cornucopia of Blind Items
The Roni has a beef with her lady-friends. The Boobs, Hester P, Foxxy Cleopatra, The Quiet Storm and The Roni were supposed to have a nice, calm martini after The 'Brary closed, then off to bed. The plan was for Foxxy and The Roni to pick the other two up at a certain Den of Iniquity and take them to Aisle 13 for said martini. Somewhere in her heart of hearts (i.e. somewhere, behind a dustball or two in the little tin box in her chest) The Roni knew this was never going to be, but she wanted to believe, and so, she did.10:30pm, Foxxy calls The Roni and says that she's found her couch, pajama pants and a bottle of wine. She's not going out.11pm, the scheduled time for The Boobs and Hester P to call for their ride. Nothing. 11:15, The Roni's phone rings. This is what she heards "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!! [static, static] [background screams] [sound of gunfire] [sound of pure, unadulterated sin manifested in sound waves] The party is AWESOME...you should COOOOOME!!!" The Roni has trouble understanding what she's hearing, but those could only be the high pitched squealings Hester P. The Roni's willpower slowly begins to drain from her. "Is there...beer?" "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuure! Coooooooooome, it's SOO fun!" shouts Hester P. "But there's, like, there's definitely BEER there, right?" Presses The Roni. "Oh yeeeaaaah. Fer sure. Also, Jamaican Pine is here."At this point, The Roni has already dropped her phone, ripped her sweatpants off her body (oh, who is she kidding, The Roni never wears pants in The House), thrown on the tightest jeans she could possibly find (all The Roni's jeans fit like she was dipped in denim paint), pulled, prodded and hoisted her boobs until they were on a platter, swabbed on some mascara (rule #1: never leave the house without mascara), and run out of The House like she was being chased by wild dogs.The Roni hops into The Ronimobile and starts making the long, long (emotionally speaking) drive to The Den of Iniquity (abandon all hope, all ye who enter here). Suddenly her phone rings again. "Hey." Ah, that could only be the deadpan tone of The Boobs. "This party rocks. You should come. Jamaican Pine is here." What is it with The Roni's friends that they know exaclty what to say to motivate her to overcome her intense dislike of The Den of Iniquity? They could have said "Dude, you HAVE to get down here! Aliens have landed and are teaching us to build a machine that prints flawless $100 bills and simultaneously makes you look like Cindy Crawford!" and The Roni would have passed. Anyhow, with the persistent urgings of both The Boobs and Hester P, The Roni was persuaded to make her way to The Den of Iniquity. (i.e. two 45 second phone calls wherein one tasty piece of booty's name was mentioned and The Roni was out like a fat kid in dodgeball.)As much as she hates to say this, though, the party ruled. It ruled like Louis XIV ruled, THAT'S how good it was. The Roni made a poor showing at pong, which she was disappointed about. Especially since she lost, twice, to The-Ex. But he deserved to beat her; he does, after all, spend all his time playing pong, and if he wasn't good at it, that would be a miserable waste of time. But overall, the night was a roaring success. Many cute little behinds found their way to the corner where The Roni was holding court, and she thoroughly enjoyed pretending to talk to them while simultanously assessing just how cute their booties were.The winner of The Cutest Boy of the Day Award goes to The Lil' Darlin'; he was a stunning tale weaver for The Roni last night, he has a marvellous bum, and is just the cutest boy there ever could be. The Roni wholeheartedly approves of him as The Sorority Sister's boyfriend.More blind items and an interesting, ongoing anthropological study in a bit...
posted by The Roni at 11:00 AM
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Now we're really in trouble...
Oh shit. I'm all out of bubble gum.No, seriously. The Roni chews bubble gum compulsively when studying. Likely because she has a tremendous oral fixation (knock yourselves out, undergrad psych majors...and all The Roni's friends with the minds of 12 year olds). Regardless, the last piece of Super Bubble just went in the kisser and things could get ugly. No bubble gum? No cute bums to contemplate? No pre-adolescent crushes to strategically "wander by" in The 'Brary for a study break? The Roni just might crack...
posted by The Roni at 5:57 PM
OMG
Ser, people, The Roni is going stir crazy. It took her all of four minutes to drink her Extra-Large Chai Tea Latte, and she thinks the cinnamon has gone to her brain. She cannot sit at a table for eight + (8+) hours without running through The 'Brary screaming and ripping her clothes off. Sadly, all the hot little tushies have apparently decided to study elsewhere today (? what? when was this decided? The Roni was not informed.) so there is no real motivation to allow people a glimpse of her luscious waves of flab as she tears down the hall in a screaming rage.In the words of The Sister 2, "it's another beautiful day in Temporary Town [where The Sister 2 is taking a 4 month hiatus]; the sun is completely blocked from the sky, the clouds are ominous, and it's a balmy 12 degrees." But there is one bit of shiny lining on that nasty cloud (The Roni loves shiny things. Big, sparkly, Cartier-spawned, shiny things...); the official Yay! of the Day goes to MelG for throwin' some sick tunes on her iTunes. The Roni loves to listen to your music on the network. It's almost like being able to play in Carrie Bradshaw's closet - a chance to try all kinds of fabulous things The Roni does not own and does not intend to spend the cash to acquire.
posted by The Roni at 5:24 PM 3 comments
Friendly note from The Boobs:
fyi - i just learned that "The Supreme Court ruled that an Indiana statute prohibiting public nudity could be used to require that female dancers must, at a minimum wear pasties and g-strings when they dance." in case you were wondering. bet you don't get to talk about pasties in corporations.The Roni says, where's the fun in stripping if Souter's going to make you wear pasties and a g-string?The Boobs replies, I like pasties. I think I might buy some and wear them to school.Lucky for The Boobs, The Roomates bought The Roni a pair of boobie tassles for her birthday last year...
posted by The Roni at 11:51 AM 0 comments
What does this mean?
The Roni is tired. The Roni is very, very tired.After a day of slugging away on truly provocative legal doctrine (note the sarcasm), The Roni decided to spend a nice, relaxing evening watching Elf with The Bunny and Regina George and then getting to bed early. This did not happen. The Roni blames the fifteen (15) cups of coffee she had yesterday and Tom Wolff, for writing I am Charlotte Simmons, which The Roni is currently reading and could not put down last night until 3:30 a.m. Two things happened as a result of pushing The Roni's bedtime back a cool four hours. First, The Roni decided waking up at 7 a.m. to go to the gym was not that sweet of an idea. This, of course, foils The Roni's plan to have her body begin to eat her ass. Well played, ass.Second, The Roni had a bizarre and vivid dream last night. The Roni rarely dreams; she usually just passes out cold in a half-empty box of poppa john's. (Oh, who are we kidding, the box is empty. Sad, alone and empty, like The Roni's miserable existence. Oh the tribulations of being a girl who eats her feelings...) Perhaps this dream was provoked by the prolonged talk she had with Zeus about his extremely bizarre dream right before she went to sleep. Perhaps it was the Qdoba. Regarldess, The Roni had this dream which she takes to be very profound. In it, we were in the library studying and MMCP (or The Shetland Pony, as thoughtful reader Ad Coelum noted) comes in on crutches - The Roni is surprised - followed by his fiancee - The Roni dies from shock.MMCP is not engage, but The Roni takes this as sure sign that the gods have frowned on this crush and are telling her, in no uncertain terms, to move on. But then again, The Roni would hardly qualify as an "expert" on psychology and dream manifestation for purposes of the Federal Rules of Evidence, so what does she know.So that was The Roni's exciting 12 hour hiatus from The 'Brary.And now, some blind item quotes:3. The Narwhale: "Bye Buddy! Hope you find your dad..."4. Zeus, on learning Chinese: "If I could speak Spanish and Chinese, I could be a BILLIONAIRE!"5. The Bunny: "We're so mean. I love us."6. Lucas, from Empire Records: "What's with today, today?"
posted by The Roni at 10:12 AM 1 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
Update from The 'Brary
People, you need to be here to see this. Jamaican Pine keeps walking right by The Roni, (in an effort to seduce her? Or just caught in her ass's gravitational pull?) but he insists on toying with The Roni and bending over to "tie his shoes" right in The Roni's line of sight. And by "tie his shoes" I mean, tossing that scrumptious little be-hind in the air. This is taking some painful restraint on the part of The Roni.
posted by The Roni at 5:34 PM 3 comments
Oh Geez.
How on earth is The Roni supposed to study now? Jamaican Pine, the hottest little piece of booty this side of Compton just rolled into The 'Brary and it's all The Roni can do not to run over to him, throw him down on the table and ravage his sweet, supple self. As The Sorority Sister says, "it gives new meaning to 'riding the Pine.'" Amen, Sister, amen.
posted by The Roni at 4:23 PM 0 comments
Damn, looks like EVERYONE was stepping out last night!
Just got this email from The Designer:"got a call from pooch. left her whole purse in the cab and the driver must have called most every person in her phone book bc a) she's getting emails from ex-bf and other undesirables about her phoneb) her dad got woken up at 230 AM to a phone call from a man who he could barely understand and thought the guy was saying "i have your daughter" instead of "i have your daughters phone" . oh man!c) she took home a 22 year old and remembers nothing about what happened. he was an employee of one of her friends and her friend was calling her all morning like "ummmm... have you seen my employee that you took home bc he hasn't shown up yet...."d) pooch is not at work today. "
posted by The Roni at 3:46 PM 0 comments
Two more quick things and A BLIND ITEM!
1. Update from La Brez - Hotel Rouge has...wait for it...Zebra bathrobes. Would you expect anything less?2. While The Roni is asking for advice, she thought she might throw another log on the fire. Last night The Roni did something potentially stupid. She is going to be visiting The Sister 1 in Suburbia over Christmas break, as is Teurel, who will be visiting Suss who just had a baby. Go figure. Anyways, The Roni and Teurel can't go for more than twenty four (24) hours without ten jack & cokes, so they figured they'd try to get out on the town while they were there. So who does The Roni email to ask to take them out on the town? None other than Mr. Big. This is most likely a terrible idea, but The Roni is hoping someone will tell her that it's not THE WORST idea ever to (a) have emailed him, (b) see him, and potentially (c) maybe have a brief rekindling of the flames that burned (The Roni alive) all last year?
posted by The Roni at 10:50 AM 1 comments
"I wanna take ya pictcha..."
The Roni went out last night. That's right, it's exams and the Roni was boozing. But that's just how The Roni rolls.Anyhew, several interesting observations were made:1. The Roni has a problem. She's hooked and she can't stop starin'.Usually quite the diligent student, The Roni has not the time for the pleasures of the flesh, (that's not even remotely true) but lately she has been noticing a startling number of hot tushies wandering around The Greatest Law School of All Time. Last year, there was nothing doing around this place, but now they are everywhere! It all started with The Roni's new crush, My Milky Milky Coco Puff (if you don't know The Roni's Theme Song, My Humps, by the BEP, then get out of my ether-manse right now). MMCP has a delicious, succulent ass that The Roni loves to stare at (while it runs away from her, screaming. MMCP, not the ass...). But then it wasn't just MMCP - tight nubile booties were popping up everywhere! Maybe it's The Roni's own prominent ass that is calling her to notice that more rotund feature, much like whale song, only from ass to ass.The bottom line is, now The Roni cannot stop looking at all the cute little behinds walking around The Greatest Law School of All Time. And she likes it.2. The second issue I would like to call your attention to is The Exam Beard. We all know that right around exams, everyone gets a little loose in the hygeine department. (Last year The Roni went nine (9) days without showering. She's hoping to break that record this semester. ) And in that trend, many of the fairer sex (The Roni thinks that dudes are the fairer sex, since The Roni doesn't really like to look at chicks unless it's to eviscerate them. Also see above discussion on all the tight booties The Roni can't help but noticing lately) begin to grow beards. The rationale behind this is that exams are too stressful and boys are too busy to shave.Now, The Roni likes a manly beard, thus she encouraged Zeus to grow a nice manly beard (Zeus grows a great beard). This was several days ago. Last night when The Roni was pounding beers with Zeus and Dirk Diggler (her two favorite men alive), she inspected the progress of the Exam Beard and made a shocking discovery - Zeus has been shaving his neck.The Roni finds this unacceptable. A of all, it completely violates the rationale of the Exam Beard; if he has time to shave his neck, he has time to shave the whole kit and kaboodle. B of all, it makes Zeus look far too much like Kevin Federline (which is a little too close for comfort where Zeus is concerned...). Literally the boy had a line right under his chin where the beard stopped and the neck began.I hate to be so harsh to a man as fabulous as Zeus, and we all know that The Roni is a heinous bitch, so let me put it to you - is The Roni wrong on this one? Is shaving at the neck kosher, or should Zeus be taken out back and shot, as a proxy for the sins that Kevin Federline has committed?3. And finally, a gripe. The Roni woke up this morning to discover that there was no hot water left. The Roni's Roomates almost never wake up before The Roni, thus this was a shocking and disappointing surprise for The Roni, who only wanted to wash away her sins in a scalding hot, steamy act of contrition. But no dice. She can't really hold it against The Roomate, but at least she had blocked her car in and made The Roomate wait until she had finished her toilet before she moved The Ronimobile.
posted by The Roni at 10:24 AM 4 comments
Thursday, December 01, 2005
La Brez recently sent me this: http://www.rougehotel.com/The firm she is interviewing with is putting her up in this hotel the night before her interview. For the uninitiated, law firms foolishly pay to fly law students around the globe for 3 hours of interviewing and an extravagant lunch. The firm will also pay for a night in a hotel room if the student is coming from far away. And by far away I mean if you are interviewing in midtown and your school is downtown, they will put you up in the hotel. [Please don't let this reference to NYC fool you into thinking that The Roni attends NYU Law. The Greatest Law School of All Time is waaaay better than that school for flunkies.]But I digress...Generally speaking (and The Roni loves to speak in broad generalizations that rarely actually pertain to real life and are largely just products of The Roni's own vast and powerful mind), generally speaking, these hotels are close to the firm and not all that fabulous. The Roni has yet to stay in the Plaza, but she's keeping her fingers crossed.So when I saw this from La Brez, I was instantly curious. Generally (again, gross, largely speculative generalization) firms tend to shy away from hotels upholstered in red velour with enormous fur blankets, no?
posted by The Roni at 7:05 PM 0 comments
Musings from Corporate Finance
For those of you unfamiliar with The Roni, I am a law student at The Greatest Law School of All Time. I say this for those of you on the slightly more dense side, because this fact should be obvious to everyone else from my scorching intellect.I have two things to say to you right now:1. Law Students should not take classes that deal with "practical" matters. I reference Corporate Finance. This is a "real" class, and you all know how The Roni frowns on "reality." Law students are just not equipped to deal with classes where real things like numbers and equations are involved. We're not prepared for situations where there is, like, a real live actual answer to a question. We're all about essay questions where there is no absolute answer and no matter how long you type you can never hit on every aspect of the "answer." So while I sit here in my TWO AND A HALF HOUR Corporate Finance class, I wonder "why on earth do I insist on drinking a beer during this class every thursday because it only makes me so very sleepy..." [note to the unfamiliar - The Greatest Law School of All Time has a keg at school every thursday]. But I also think "why on earth am I taking this class?" It really sucks The Roni's will to live, and The Roni already has so very little to live for...This, incidentally, leads me to a side-bar comment. Think of it as Thought 1.5: I love classes entitled "...And the Law." Like, oh yeah, while we talk about Environmental Policy and Theory in the Latter Half of the 19th Century, we're also going to talk about THE LAW, because it's such an easy topic to tackle in the 8 weeks of class we have...2. The Roni has come to an interesting realization in her life. She has finally realized, after a quarter century, that people are f-ing weird. This is reassuring, as The Roni hates to be the only one doing anything. If she's going to be the bizarre, idiosyncratic, outrageous person she is, there darn well better be some nose-picking, fart-smelling post-adolescent out there to join her on the list of People Who Are Just Plain Weird. Thank you nose-picking, fart-smelling 25 year old guy. What are you doing this weekend? The Roni could use a date...
posted by The Roni at 5:15 PM 0 comments
Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Well, there goes the neighborhood.Just as you experienced a wave of euphoria when Kid Rock and Joe C unpacked their subwoofers next door, so too shall you rejoice when you see who's moved in now. That's right, there's a new game in town, and her hookers won't be afraid to park in your driveway, metaphorically speaking.The Roni isn't even exactly sure what that means, but it does seem like a perfectly apt way of describing what she's cooking up here. It's a little tactless, a bit more bizarre, a whole lot shameless and straight from the heart. Well, The Roni doesn't have a heart, just a little tin box in her chest where her heart should be. But straight from that empty shell in her chest cavity, The Roni has made you something special. After all, 'tis the season.
But first, The Roni has some rules:
1. The Roni believes, above all else, in the pursuit of excellence. While she has continuously failed to achieve this goal herself, she nonetheless believes that all people should aim high. And The Roni will be there to ridicule you mercilessly when you fall far, far short.
2. The Roni understands that we've all woken up in Mexico city, covered in tequila with a tattoo that says "I [heart]Rodrigo" on your ass and a dead hooker in the closet. Some people more than others (The Roni still wonders how TWO "I [heart] Rodrigo"s fit on her left cheek, but The Roni has an enourmous ass, so she does not spend much time pondering this marvel.) Thus The Roni will try her best to protect your anonymity. Your dignity she cares nothing about. As The Roni's boyfriend, Vince Vaughn, said "you did it to yourself, baby."
3. The Roni also wholeheartedly believes in self-indulgence. Things like the rules of grammar, spelling, syntax, "privacy," tact, "reality," mean nothing to her. She believes you can never have too many elipses, Kit Kats, hoop earrings, imaginary boyfriends (The Roni has LOADS of these), illicit rendezvous...es (rendezvouses? rendezvous's? rendezvi?), shout outs to her preponderous derriere and jack and cokes. Please indulge her these things, she has so little else to keep her going...
4. The Roni LOVES gossip. She loves it. She eats it for breakfast. Well, that and a big bowl of bitchy. She will, whenever possible, attempt to send a little nugget your way. She makes no voucher for the accuracy, privacy, or timeliness of said gossip. But if she hears it, and The Roni thinks you've been good enough girls and boys for her to pass it on, she'll do it. You did it to yourself, baby. (Thanks Vincy...Jen, if I see your little skank self around my man again, I swear I will take you out back and knock those 15 pounds you lost for Friends straight from my ass to yours.)
Ok then neighbors, I think that just about covers it. I'll try to make a visit your way again soon. But for now...I gots to study.
PS In checking to reassure herself of the proper spelling of "derriere," The Roni found the above picture on Google. The Roni would like you to know that this resembles not even remotely her ass. This is in case you were reading her blog in an attempt to score with her; The Roni just wants you to know what you're getting yourself into. And it is decidedly NOT the succulent behind in the picture.
posted by The Roni at 3:36 PM 3 comments
posted by The Roni at 5:47 PM
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