Matchmaker, matchmaker...
The Roni LOVES to set people up; she just adores it! Sadly she is a terrible matchmaker. Mostly she just sets her friends up with boys she likes so she will not have to face the inevitable rejection. But sometimes, just sometimes, like a blind man bumping into a balogna sandwich (The Roni disclaims all affection for bologna), even The Roni manages to arrange a successful set up. So imagine her delight when The Boobs professed an undying love (i.e. the e'er ephemeral exam crush) on another of The Roni's friends! She was shocked, extactic, and planning what her matchmaker's gift from Willaims & Sonoma would be.
So I would like to take this opportunity to express to all you minions of the Great Unwashed out there, please, help me help you! Let's make sweet sweet love together. And I mean that in the least togetherest sense. Why don't you tell me who you like and I can pass him/her/it a note in study hall and ask him/her/it to check "Yes Please!" if they like you or "Go rot in hell, you smell like day old meatloaf and your brows are in serious need of a tweeze" if they are slightly less inclined.
And while we're at it, if you know of any cute, single men who maybe have a severe vision and/or mental problem, give me a holler and maybe we can set something up? I am in the market for a prom date for next week. And by "prom" I mean the night I lend The Boobs my boobie tassles and pay her $5 and a bag of fritos for her to dance the Mean Girls dance on the bar while I try to get Zeus to actually fist fight with me so I can "know what it's like to get punched in the face." Although maybe I should just ask The Professor's latest ladyfriend? I hear she's in the market for such things when she is in the throes...
So I would like to take this opportunity to express to all you minions of the Great Unwashed out there, please, help me help you! Let's make sweet sweet love together. And I mean that in the least togetherest sense. Why don't you tell me who you like and I can pass him/her/it a note in study hall and ask him/her/it to check "Yes Please!" if they like you or "Go rot in hell, you smell like day old meatloaf and your brows are in serious need of a tweeze" if they are slightly less inclined.
And while we're at it, if you know of any cute, single men who maybe have a severe vision and/or mental problem, give me a holler and maybe we can set something up? I am in the market for a prom date for next week. And by "prom" I mean the night I lend The Boobs my boobie tassles and pay her $5 and a bag of fritos for her to dance the Mean Girls dance on the bar while I try to get Zeus to actually fist fight with me so I can "know what it's like to get punched in the face." Although maybe I should just ask The Professor's latest ladyfriend? I hear she's in the market for such things when she is in the throes...
posted by The Roni at 11:21 PM
4 Comments:
you put "know what it's like to get punched in the face" in quotation marks. wait. DID I REALLY SAY THAT???
No no, oh bearded one, I said that. IIIIIII want to know what it's like to get punched in the face. It's about time I learned to be a man, no?
I'll do it for just the bag of fritos. The $5 just seems like too much.
In accordance with my time-honored exam traditions, I'll be shaving my beard this evening to prepare me for tomorrow's final exam. (This is after the war paint and Maorian battle dance). So, faithful readers, if you want to know what it's like to make out with a lumberjack (or a red-bearded Olympian god), this is your last chance. I'll be in the library all day.
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