On the Second Day of Exams, The Roni gave to me...
The Exam Crush, oh how I love thee. Seriously, if you don't have one, go out and get one. The Roni has dozens! If you're not familiar with the concept of the Exam Crush, allow me to explain. The exam crush is someone who, in any other circumstances, you probably wouldn't notice and/or speak to, and certainly not engage in hours of flirtatious email banter. But because it's exams, and your brain can only think about the Republican Party's reasons for pushing the 15th Amendment through state legislatures or the Court's confusing recent jurisprudence on defensive claim preclusion for so long, you have to give yourself a little mental treat. Think of it as a mental lollipop. It's small, it's trivial, but it's just enough sugar to allow yourself to feel indulgent, and just enough of a treat to take your mind off of the triple brownie sundae with hot fudge and caramel that you really want. (I will allow you, dear readers, to imagine what this proverbial "triple brownie sundae" stands in for...)
How do you find an exam crush? Think of someone, anyone, seriously, that you find the least bit attractive who, in all those hours of sitting in the exact same position in the same stimulus-free library, your mind has wandered to once or twice. Maybe he's sitting near you. Maybe he's in your study group. (Check that; if you're in a study group, The Roni scoffs in your general direction. You clearly are far too cerebral to comprehend this "flirting" of which I speak, and since there are no more Lord of the Rings movies coming out, any chance of hope or happiness you may have had has died. Basically, you're dead on the inside. Like hookers.) But anyways, he's just McAnyone! Find him, send him a flirtatious email - maybe something like "that shirt looks pretty good on you. Could be a little tighter, though, in my opinion..." And wait and see what happens. If he takes the bait and engages you in a sexy repartee, congratulations - you have an Exam Crush. Sit back and allow yourself to email him something borderline scandalous every 27 minutes. No reason to feel embarrassed or forward - it's not like you actually like him! He's just a little piece of catnip for your bored...well, you get the idea.
If he doesn't write back, clearly he is too busy attending a "study group" meeting, or writing loveletters to you in Elvin. Either way, he's not suitable material for an Exam Crush. Find another McAnyone and repeat salacious emailing. (Note: I just looked up salacious on dictionary.com to verify the spelling, and the first two definitions are "lustful or lecherous." Why have I not used this word more??? It's simply fabulous and perfectly a propos for, well, everything I say.)
Trust me, this is an excellent way to wile away the dreary hours you're sitting in front of the computer, wondering what you're missing on Ellen. I mean, studying diligently. Whatever.
Now go forth and find yourself a plaything! Exam Crushes are the #2 item in The Roni's Exam Survival Kit. #1 is obviously double bubble. But whatever, they're both just for fun.
How do you find an exam crush? Think of someone, anyone, seriously, that you find the least bit attractive who, in all those hours of sitting in the exact same position in the same stimulus-free library, your mind has wandered to once or twice. Maybe he's sitting near you. Maybe he's in your study group. (Check that; if you're in a study group, The Roni scoffs in your general direction. You clearly are far too cerebral to comprehend this "flirting" of which I speak, and since there are no more Lord of the Rings movies coming out, any chance of hope or happiness you may have had has died. Basically, you're dead on the inside. Like hookers.) But anyways, he's just McAnyone! Find him, send him a flirtatious email - maybe something like "that shirt looks pretty good on you. Could be a little tighter, though, in my opinion..." And wait and see what happens. If he takes the bait and engages you in a sexy repartee, congratulations - you have an Exam Crush. Sit back and allow yourself to email him something borderline scandalous every 27 minutes. No reason to feel embarrassed or forward - it's not like you actually like him! He's just a little piece of catnip for your bored...well, you get the idea.
If he doesn't write back, clearly he is too busy attending a "study group" meeting, or writing loveletters to you in Elvin. Either way, he's not suitable material for an Exam Crush. Find another McAnyone and repeat salacious emailing. (Note: I just looked up salacious on dictionary.com to verify the spelling, and the first two definitions are "lustful or lecherous." Why have I not used this word more??? It's simply fabulous and perfectly a propos for, well, everything I say.)
Trust me, this is an excellent way to wile away the dreary hours you're sitting in front of the computer, wondering what you're missing on Ellen. I mean, studying diligently. Whatever.
Now go forth and find yourself a plaything! Exam Crushes are the #2 item in The Roni's Exam Survival Kit. #1 is obviously double bubble. But whatever, they're both just for fun.
posted by The Roni at 12:16 PM
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