A Note to Would-Be Commenters

While I appreciate witty banter via comments, I am a little hesitant to publish comments that are kinda grodie. So be nice to The Roni, say nice things about her, compliment any of her multitudinous virtues. If you need help picking just one, please ask and I will be more than happy to make suggestions! But don't say anything nasty or arguably rude. I don't like not being able to tell whether I'm being insulted or politely ribbed in the spirit of comedy. The bottom may be stout, but the spirit is timid.

Eartha Kitt ain't got nothin on me

Happy 6th Day of Exam posting!! (that's what this is, right?)
Today I come to you with a fabulous little pick me up idea. I realize that we're all starting to wonder if it is not, in fact, normal to wear no underwear whatsoever for days in a row (no undies bcs there is no chance you're doing laundry, and you've only got so many pairs of white grannie panties - and there's no way your wearing lacy dental floss under your sweats. No bra because, well, that's just not how you roll during exams), throw your hair in a nappy bun every day, have no human interaction other than the Yuan Ho delivery guy (who knows your name by now. And what exam you have tomorrow. Sadly he has no pointers on how to overcome minimalist constitutionalism.), and drink more than 4 32oz Diet Dr. Peppers a day. We wonder if moving the mounting pile of clothes back and forth from your desk to your bed, depending on whether it's light or dark outside, counts as "cleaning." And we fear we will never be "normal" again.
Never fear - you are not alone! And so, darling little elves (Holiday appropriate pet name), here is The Roni's tip for how to add a little pep to your step:
1. Put on a bra. And pants. Get in car, drive to nearest perveyor of enormous coffee drinks. I'm talking ENORMOUS. (If this baby has to overcome 5+ nights of 4 hours of sleep, it better be bigger than your head.)
2. Pound half of aforementioned coffee drink.
3. Get back in car. Turn on Eartha Kitt. Sing "Santa Baby" as loud as humanly possible in your car. While driving. FAST.
4. Rewind. Sing "Santa Baby" again. Only this time do it sexy. And add a sexy little shoulder dip. Maybe dance sexy in your car seat. Everyone around you is amazed by your incredible voice, your sultry moves, your animal charisma. The Roni wants you.
5. Look at yourself in the rearview mirror - you are one fine, sexy, Christmas beast. And in 9 days you can drink your face off and forget about the Federal Income Tax Code once and for all.

Now then, don't you feel better? I know I did when I did that. (Apologies for anyone who drove by The Roni mobile this morning and was unable to resist the powerful sexual energy radiating from it. Or for the sound of one thousand dying girraffes. Whichever you noticed more. The Roni does not have the best, how you say, singing voice known to man. She let's Foxxy do all her singing for her.
And now my little red nosed reindeer - go out and sing your little patooties off! DEMAND that platinum mine. You deserve it!

Oh me oh my

Well I must say I am just tickled pink. It appears we have a new visitor to our little ether manse. And a self-professed McHottie no less. I am intrigued. I do so hope you are, whoever you are, a fabulously cute, shameless flirt who likes his women with a certain je ne sais quois. And by "je ne sais" I mean "enormous." And by "quois" I mean ass.
Seriously, people, the Royal Bottom is spiraling out of control. I think I might inadvertently be stretching it out by spending so much time sitting on it contemplating subconstitutional rules and perez hilton, intermittently. Also, is it strange that the aforementioned Royal Bottom has started making unreasonable demands, like El Puerto grande nachos and a 40oz Dr. Pepper? That worries me...

On the...oh f*ck it.

Compulsively eating candy canes and sugar free lollipops. Averaging 4.5 hours of sleep per night. Longest stretch of actually doing work is about 47 minutes. I feel like Cougar in Top Gun. I've lost the edge, I'm turning in my wings. At least this way I'll save some poor, hunky sap from flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong.

Also, one last thing - am I the only one who thinks the Jim Carrey version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas is GARBAGE??? It's a travesty. There is only one way to watch the grinch, and that is straight cartoon thugging. Don't bring that weak sauce real peopl sh*t my way Tim Burton, you go hard with the cartoons or you don't go at all!

See?? SEEE??? I am totally losing it.

On the Fourth Day of Exam Postings, The Roni Gave to Me...

Today I am going to do us all a favor and carpet bomb the facebook servers so I will LEAVE IT THE F ALONE AND ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING FOR MY EXAM!! Which, I might add, is tomorrow.

But seriously, if you know me and you want to see something hilarious, look at the pictures of Foxxy Cleopatra, Hester P and Zeus that I just put up. Holy god they are funny.

If you don't know me, take my word for it. And take it as a little gift of time from me to you for you to go learn the conflict rules under MR 1.7, 1.8, 1.9, 1.10 and 1.11.

On the Third Day of Exam Posting, The Roni Gave to MEEEEEE...

A PASSING SCO-ORE ON THE MPRE!!

And a huge ass.

Let's just say it's been a bountiful year.

On the Second Day of Exams, The Roni gave to me...

The Exam Crush, oh how I love thee. Seriously, if you don't have one, go out and get one. The Roni has dozens! If you're not familiar with the concept of the Exam Crush, allow me to explain. The exam crush is someone who, in any other circumstances, you probably wouldn't notice and/or speak to, and certainly not engage in hours of flirtatious email banter. But because it's exams, and your brain can only think about the Republican Party's reasons for pushing the 15th Amendment through state legislatures or the Court's confusing recent jurisprudence on defensive claim preclusion for so long, you have to give yourself a little mental treat. Think of it as a mental lollipop. It's small, it's trivial, but it's just enough sugar to allow yourself to feel indulgent, and just enough of a treat to take your mind off of the triple brownie sundae with hot fudge and caramel that you really want. (I will allow you, dear readers, to imagine what this proverbial "triple brownie sundae" stands in for...)
How do you find an exam crush? Think of someone, anyone, seriously, that you find the least bit attractive who, in all those hours of sitting in the exact same position in the same stimulus-free library, your mind has wandered to once or twice. Maybe he's sitting near you. Maybe he's in your study group. (Check that; if you're in a study group, The Roni scoffs in your general direction. You clearly are far too cerebral to comprehend this "flirting" of which I speak, and since there are no more Lord of the Rings movies coming out, any chance of hope or happiness you may have had has died. Basically, you're dead on the inside. Like hookers.) But anyways, he's just McAnyone! Find him, send him a flirtatious email - maybe something like "that shirt looks pretty good on you. Could be a little tighter, though, in my opinion..." And wait and see what happens. If he takes the bait and engages you in a sexy repartee, congratulations - you have an Exam Crush. Sit back and allow yourself to email him something borderline scandalous every 27 minutes. No reason to feel embarrassed or forward - it's not like you actually like him! He's just a little piece of catnip for your bored...well, you get the idea.
If he doesn't write back, clearly he is too busy attending a "study group" meeting, or writing loveletters to you in Elvin. Either way, he's not suitable material for an Exam Crush. Find another McAnyone and repeat salacious emailing. (Note: I just looked up salacious on dictionary.com to verify the spelling, and the first two definitions are "lustful or lecherous." Why have I not used this word more??? It's simply fabulous and perfectly a propos for, well, everything I say.)
Trust me, this is an excellent way to wile away the dreary hours you're sitting in front of the computer, wondering what you're missing on Ellen. I mean, studying diligently. Whatever.
Now go forth and find yourself a plaything! Exam Crushes are the #2 item in The Roni's Exam Survival Kit. #1 is obviously double bubble. But whatever, they're both just for fun.

The 16 Days of Exam Non-Exam Thoughts

On the first day of exam studying, The Roni gave to me, one random thought!

Well, I actually don't have much to share with you on this, the first day of official exam studying (as far as The Roni is concerned). Most of what I have to say involves a bitter condemnation of facebook and girls with better manicures than I have (who may or may not be using those manicures to paw boys The Roni has a proprietary interest in...). So today we will borrow a thought from The NS, who has something I think we can all identify with:

"I thought part of being an adult was, unlike in high school, when one had trouble paying attention in class because of one's high school crush, that I would be mature and able to oh actually do my job without getting thrills of distraction. Apparently am not yet grown up."

Oh, NS, they wouldn't call them crushes if they didn't involve thinking about his dreamy dimples and crooked smile every 37.2 seconds. I don't know what they'd call them. But they certainly wouldn't be as fun. So, if you have a crush, enjoy it. And find The Roni one, too. She's tired of day dreaming about Clooney on the treadmill - something about that particular day dream seems, well, a little too far fetched to make it all that exciting. Maybe someone a little more, how you say, attainable?

Happy studying!!

PS if you have a thought you want to share with The Roni to be included in the 16 Days of Exam Non-Exam Thoughts, please tell...

Something to remember

I was having a little chat with my darling Sweedish friend La Brez about boys who done us wrong (trust The Roni, it was not a short conversation...), and as I was leaving I couldn't stop thinking about something. And I had to make sure I told La Brez before I went to bed, and before the conversation had faded from her mind. So I wrote her this email. And I wanted to share it with all of you because, sure, The Roni ate nothing today but 14 pieces of Super Bubble, 7 ginger snaps and a poly-o, so those 4 glasses of wine at 10 kind of hit her the wrong way, and sure, she's been feeling a bit on the toasty side of burned lately, but this has kind of been the one thought that's brought me through my morass of undesirability, and I think it might help any of you who are feeling similarly singed by the singles scene. So here's the email, sent at 12:44am on a Friday night upon returning from the lib (and drinking 4 glasses of two-day-old pinot):

hey, i was just thinking about what we were talking about tonight, and i wanted to say one thing - all these boys come and go through our lives and our minds and unfortunately, sometimes our hearts, but in the end, the one thing you have to know is that you are you. no one can change who you are. how someone thinks of you, or doesn't think of you, as the case may be, means nothing about who you are. you're just as gorgeous and funny and fabulous as you were the day before you met the prick who dicked you over. and you're still as wonderful as you were the day before you fell in love. so when some guy does you wrong, just remember that that doesn't change you. no matter what some stupid mexican med student thinks of you, or what some socially awkward, law review bean pole thinks of you, you're still an incredible person, and we are all lucky to have you as a friend. they're the ones who didn't get the message - it has nothing to do with who you are. just remember that.

Happy hunting,
The Roni