Vacation

Well, it's official. The Roni can't be left alone. Here she is, rotting in an apartment in Seattle, waiting for The Middle Sister to come home from work and play with her. So what does she do to pass the time? That's right, become a liability to herself and others.
I am currently indulging in my ultimate fantasy. I am sitting on the couch, still in my pajamas at 2pm, watching the ENTIRE box set of Sex and the City, episode by episode, drinking beers. And what do I do during those episodes I have seen more than 6 times (read 65% of them)? I am going INSANE on facebook. Seriously. If I met you once at a bar - nay, if you spilled a beer on The Roni and told her to "watch where her big ass was going," you probably got a facebook invite from her this afternoon. Also, if you are a close intimate friend of The Roni's, you probably got "poked" by her today. She doesn't know what "poking" does on the facebook, but there are a few handsome hienies in her friends profile from whom she would just love a good poke...

There are a couple of shout outs The Roni would like to make. First, she'd like to thank her new anonymous friend, The Badger - you are ever the source of much-needed compliments and 3am conversations. The Roni is sorry you had a Wednesday exam because she loves to throw back with you. Hopefully febclub...and marchclub, and aprilclub, and examclub...will give us the chance to drink some 40s and punch through some drywall together.

The Roni would also like to give a little chin punch to the Lil' Darlin'. Sometimes life throws you Apples, but try as you might, you can't quite turn that into looking for her underwear the next morning. The Roni still thinks you are jest about the sweetest little thing she's done seen in near 'bout ferever. Don't sweat it. Apples are so out this season anyways.

Hester and The Boobs also deserve to have their name in lights. Who knew virtual co-habitation could be that much fun? In one of their very own words "I drank from the cup of sin and it was good." Well, it appears there was a goodly amount of sin running around those last few days. The Roni wishes she could say she was above it. Sadly, it appears she was above it, under it, hanging from the rafters with it...a veritable cournucopeia of naughty, naughty positions. So Hester P and The Boobs? You get yours, girls! And save some for The Roni.
(Now, that last little bit about The Roni's ownself may have been artistic license. Or it may have been true. Or it may have been a half truth. You be the judge...)

A big I Feel Your Pain shout out goes to The Bunny. The Roni doesn't know what it's like to have your pastor try and set you up on Christmas Eve (The Roni tries to avoid church as it causes a nasty, burning sensation all over...) but she can't imagine it feels good. However, maybe Aretha knew something neither of us do, Bunny. The only boy who could ever teach HER was the son of a preacher man...

One last big ole shout to my HLP, Zeus. Zeus got me the best present a girl could ever get, other than Cartier. He got me the first season of Gray's Anatomy on DVD. And baby, you KNOW I'll be sitting on the couch with the Posse watching the whole thing start to finish with a case of the high life as soon as I get back to char-vegas!

Happy Anikmikwanzmika everyone! And have a happy, champagne induced orgy of a New Year!!
Baisers,
The Roni

A Message to Alll You Rap Guys and Your Girlfriends

(Please tell me you got that "she looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends...the only reason he likes her is because her butt is SOOO big!")

Anyhew, The Roni has a request to all those in the know - I have been desperately looking for this one rap song that's been on the radio lately. It's maybe a touch on the dirty side, and the guy says something along the lines of "Run girl, try to get your body wet"? (I know, I'm blushing right this very moment as I type it.) And in the video all these chicas with Beyonce booties are running on treadmills and other such cardiovascular equipment in a wholly implausible environment and in entirely inappropriate gym attire. Anyone have any idea what song this is and where I can get it?
Also, any other awesomely bad song recommendations would be greatly appreciated.

The love just keeps on growing

Here is why I love La Brez - last night we were having a conversation about a certain gentleman and La Brez says two things that almost made The Roni tear up, it reminded her so much of herself (and The Roni finds it very poignant when someone reminds her of herself). First she says that she's been flirting shamelessly with this certain gentleman, but that she clearly has no intentions of actually consummating this flirtation. "I'm such a manipulator. I just want him to want me terribly and then give him nothing!" Ah La Brez, if you only knew that was The Roni's Dating Mantra!! (Which is maybe why she "dates" so infrequently. That or the fact that she can only date men who drive commercial vehicles, since those are the only things she can cram her behind into...) But then, La Brez continues to wow and amaze! "I mean, he's so not on my list of people I want to make out with by the end of the year! But I will tell you who is..." Who else but The Roni would compile such a list? It's almost like God reached down and created TWO perfect seductresses with disproportionately large rear ends. And it was right and good.

Also, while we're on the topic of notable quotables, Zeus was just full of profound words the other day. After that infamous friday night, he and The Roni went out for enormous eggplan parms. And as he and The Roni have been known to do, we began to wax philosophic about love. Sadly, Zeus was still recovering from a five alarm hangover and so his words were perhaps slightly less than Kafka-esque. Looking whistfully into the distance, he closed his eyes, leaned his head back and said "love...love isn't a feeling, man...it's a committment!" I don't really know what that means, but sure, I'm right there with you, buddy.

And lastly, I'd like to make an addendum to my secret santa wishlist. The Panty Posse is gathering tomorrow night at Casa Pantesa (that's The Panty House, according to my team of lingual experts) for the Secret Santa Gift Exchange and Potluck Dinner. Previously, The Roni urged strongly for an flippin sweet baseball hat. But The Roni would like to add to that, all for the bargain price of less that $15, Eric Bana who is so white hot, The Roni has trouble keeping her clothes on when he comes on tv, AND a white, rabbitt fur coat. Sorry, Bunny, but The Roni loves fur. Indeed, when she saw a bumper sticker that said "Animals are just people in fur coats" The Roni wanted to write a rebuttal bumber sticker that said "If Animals can wear fur, why can't I?"It's only fair, right?

With that, I will see you tomorrow, when Exam Bar has finally come to pass. (That's "Not Exams" for all ye not in the know (or Know Bar)). I feel confident my Secret Santa assignee will be verrrrrrrry pleased with the little bauble I have purchased her. The Roni is an excellent gift giver. Indeed, she is the gift that keeps on giving. See you for the 80's power hour tomorrow. And hopefully I'll be wearing my new fur coat! And Eric Bana...

Today is a good day

The Roni is happy. A sweet, sublime happiness has decended on her that, try as she might, just doggone won't go away. It may be that she only has one more pesky exam before the sweet bliss that is Christmas in the Pacific Northwest is hers. It may be the fabulous "Mid-Exam Going Out Night" she recently attended that was just REPLETE with delicious blind items. It may be GayWASPiness who passes teenie morsels of vunderbar gossip her way. It may be her new favorite movie, in which Queen Latifah so poignantly asks "does this make my butt look big? Yeah? Ok good." It may be the solid telling off she gave The Nemesis in her dream last night. It may be Matisyahu, who she cannot stop listening and has made her question whether she may also be a hacidic jew with a panache for reggae. But whatever it is, she's just plum happy. And she'd like for you to be happy too.

So now, some stories. As clarification, the past 72 hours have been almost surreal. Somehow we managed to survive them, but a few of us came away with some battle scars.
To start things rolling, which Mean Girl...it's almost too easy, I feel bad making it a blind item, but I suppose there are some of you who have just emerged from a cave somewhere deep in the appalaichans and would not know who this was...so which Mean Girl recently went bar hopping, where she met a cute UG...who goes to VT...with whom she left the bar and went to a UG party...where, after 5 minutes, she demanded to be walked to her car...where she proceeded to swap spit for several minutes, at which point said VT UG says to her "wouldn't this be warmer in your car?" So into the BACK SEAT OF THE CAR they go...where they french kiss some more...only to be startled by strange lights shining into the back seat of the car...which turned out to be from the POLICE...who hauled them out of the car and LECTURED them about how you couldn't "do that" on school property (The Roni would normally stop here to point out the irony of that statement, but she doesn't want to interrupt her flow...) yes, so they couldn't "do that" on school property...and tossed out the word "felony" (The Roni quakes in her boots at the thought that french kissing could be a felony because she'd be serving 20 to life...) and then summarily dismissed them and told them to get the hell off school property...at which point VT UG RUNS AWAY leaving Regina George standing there (oops! it slipped out!) with the cops, unable to call back the UG because she didn't KNOW HIS NAME...so RG gets back into the car, but has to wait 20 minutes for the windows to DEFOG before she can leave...and the cops wait next to the car the WHOLE TIME...and she was sober.
The Roni doesn't even know what to say about this. The last time something like that happened to her it was the late 80s and she was starring in "Shag." At least RG didn't come away with a face full of shaving cream like poor Bridget Fonda.

Our second blind item involves another Mean Girl who, like a rabid Bunny let out of her cage, proceeded to dance topless on the bar and then makeout in the corner with a newly single stud for at least 20 minutes. Ok, one of those two didn't happen. You be the judge.

In another corner of that same bar, which of the Panty Posse was trying to convince the Sorority Sister that she was "psychic" and then begged for a ride to her ex boyfriends house at 2am because she "wanted to see her dog." The Sorority Sister put it best when she said "if that's your name for your ex's [insert inappropriate body part south of the equator here], then yeah, I believe you."

In more craziness from that same night, which two Close Personal Friends of The Roni were found by The Professor on the Naughty Porch inflagrante, at which point The Professor pulls up a chair to watch it with his very own eyes.

Also, apolgies on Zeus's behalf for calling you 15 times at 3am on Friday. And if he imed you and begged to come over (The Sorority Sister), he's sorry too.

With that, The Roni would like to name the Hottie of the Week. This week, in an unusual turn of events (unusual because normally there is a 15 person war room meeting just trying to come up with ONE hottie since there seems to be a dirth of cute boys lately. Cute butts are one thing, but a full on hottie? That's hard to find) we have a TIE!! Tied for Hottie this week are that one sumptuous 2L whom The Roni named in a blind item after the party at The Den of Iniquity. Baby, The Roni loves talking on the phone with you. And if you ever want The Roni to accompany your delicious self...anywhere (hell, I'd go to the drycleaners with you!), you know where to find her.
And our other winner is a newcomer to my ether-manse. For being hilarious and adorable on Friday, The Roni wants to bestow this honor on The Journalist. The Roni won't hold it against you that you have a girlfriend. She loves you in spite of all your faults.

Thank you to everyone for making sheer, ridiculous fools of yourselves on Friday. The Roni has something to try and outdo on Wednesday. Oh, and stay tuned for that night. Some of us aren't going to make it out alive. And some of us are just going to make out. (Two Boots...I'd start running if I were you...)

Matchmaker, matchmaker...

The Roni LOVES to set people up; she just adores it! Sadly she is a terrible matchmaker. Mostly she just sets her friends up with boys she likes so she will not have to face the inevitable rejection. But sometimes, just sometimes, like a blind man bumping into a balogna sandwich (The Roni disclaims all affection for bologna), even The Roni manages to arrange a successful set up. So imagine her delight when The Boobs professed an undying love (i.e. the e'er ephemeral exam crush) on another of The Roni's friends! She was shocked, extactic, and planning what her matchmaker's gift from Willaims & Sonoma would be.
So I would like to take this opportunity to express to all you minions of the Great Unwashed out there, please, help me help you! Let's make sweet sweet love together. And I mean that in the least togetherest sense. Why don't you tell me who you like and I can pass him/her/it a note in study hall and ask him/her/it to check "Yes Please!" if they like you or "Go rot in hell, you smell like day old meatloaf and your brows are in serious need of a tweeze" if they are slightly less inclined.
And while we're at it, if you know of any cute, single men who maybe have a severe vision and/or mental problem, give me a holler and maybe we can set something up? I am in the market for a prom date for next week. And by "prom" I mean the night I lend The Boobs my boobie tassles and pay her $5 and a bag of fritos for her to dance the Mean Girls dance on the bar while I try to get Zeus to actually fist fight with me so I can "know what it's like to get punched in the face." Although maybe I should just ask The Professor's latest ladyfriend? I hear she's in the market for such things when she is in the throes...

Mea Culpa

The Roni would like to take this opportunity to indulge in a little cleansing self-flagellation. She owes someone a public apology, and what better way to apologize than to shame herself in public?
The Roni has not been a very good friend to Foxxy Cleopatra of late. Call it exam stress, call it the slow encroachment of bitterness in a soon-to-be spinstress, slap it on the ass and call it sally, but whatever you call it, it's just not nice. And while The Roni prides herself on being a catty bitch to people she doesn't know (largely behind their backs) she hates to be a bad friend. So Foxxy, baby, mea culpa. You know The Roni loves ya, and is looking forward to making you the new Cohabitator.

A comparison

I was discussing matters of extreme importance with a friend the other night. We were, obviously, talking about asses. My friend mentioned The Sorority Sister and that he thought she had, and I quote, "An ass you could bounce a quarter off of." This prompted an interesting discussion between me and The Sorority Sister afterwards.
The interesting comparison is that The Sister found this to be moderately offensive at first. I, of course, explained that it was actually the highest order of compliments. It meant that her ass was "tight" and not "flabby," like some people's. It was not an ass where you could "bounce a quarter and lose it," much like someone else's ass.
This made me ponder an interesting difference in the great world order, a difference I had not really contemplated before. Is there, in fact, a cameraderie between girls with humongous assess that look like two sea lions mating and girls with asses so flat you could roll a ball down there back and it would never hit butt? Are we both equally sensitive to comments about our asses? Are we confreres in that they, too, think the worst when someone looks straight at the behind?
If that's the case, then I truly feel sorry for them. For while we of the preponderous posteriors can eventually grow to love our rump shakers, and even see them as the source of all our powers, as The Roni has learned to do, (sadly, the ass to powers ratio is not quite what she'd hope for, but...), them of the diminutive derriers can share in none of the fun!
And so to you, my erstwhile enemies, I say - apologies for all the negative karma my ass has been radiating in your general direction. I feel your pain, and if you would like to borrow some of my ass, you are more than welcome to it...

His beard is like Whoah

The Roni has not seen Zeus for a number of days. She chalks this up to exam craziness, and not the fact that the BO she has generated from not shower (we're on Day #5, I believe...) drove him away...
But regardless, I recently saw him for the first time, and I have one thing to say: His beard is HOT. Indeed, The Roni might even have to go so far as to say that Zues...looks goooooood. Damn good. I feel proud that the beard was my idea, and done at my urging.
(Oh, and for The Loyal, who are curious about an earlier post on the beard, yes, he has stopped shaving his neck, and yes, it's a big improvement. I guess we know why Brit kicked K-Fed out of the house. K-Fed, if you had only listened to The Roni...)

The Awards of the Week

We return to what will eventually be a regular feature, The Awards of the Week...

The Hotty of the Week Award goes to: Dr. McDreamy. McDreamy, you are a close, personal friend of The Roni, you treat the ladies like you'd want a gentleman caller to treat your sister, you counsel The Roni on the "languages of love," (no really - apparently there is a whole psychological study on how different people have different "love languages"), you look damn good in cableknit, and you stand up for The Roni in a vicious snowball fight. So here's to you, Dr. McDreamy, for being a damn fine man, and representing the better side of all manhood. (The backside, that is...)

The Special Violets of the week go to The Bunny. Let's just say that The Roni can sometimes be a "lunatic" and "rant incessently" with no foundation in "reality." The Bunny listens to each and every one of these, and somehow manages to not channel Napoleon Dynamite and just say "ugh, IDIOT." And for that, The Roni thanks you. The Roni has caught you a delicious bass.

The Boo of the Week officially goes to DJ. Thank you, DJ, for providing us with coffee during exams this week. The Roni speaks for everyone when she says, if I decide to take a "coffee break" during my four hour corporations exam just to "chill out" and "collect my thoughts," your coffee will be the first place I go. Oh, but wait... I'LL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN F-ING EXAM!!! Why on earth would you think coffee, during the EXACT hours of exams, would be a generous gift to the Great Unwashed who are the law students? Coffee after, thanks. Coffee before, The Roni lives through the day. But coffee during? Really?

The Yay! of the Week? How about the fact that NEXT week it will be notexams. (For those of you who recently took a corporate finance exam, like The Roni, that would be "exam bar.") Oh, and that in eight (8) days The Roni can drink 15 jack&cokes, dance around with no pants on and then pass out, alone, in an empty box of Poppa John's. Now that's something to celebrate.

A blast from the dreaded, dreaded past

What is it with ex boyfriends? They always seem to sneak up on you when you're least awares, creeping up behind you in the dark and sticking you with the proverbial "wet willy," if by "wet willy" I mean "total mindfuck."
Our tale starts with The Roommate who was recently at a family holiday party while she was home for Thanksgiving. She walks in, pays her respects to the hosts, parents' friends, etc, and then spies, and I quote, "a melon on a toothpick that looked eerily familiar." She never got the chance to actually speak to said melon, but she had no doubt that it was, indeed, The Dreaded Ex. And after years of not speaking, stealthily seeking out information of where is is, what he's doing, who he's doing (we all want to know, don't lie...), the ONE thing she wanted to know was, "why on EARTH has he lost so much weight?? He looks like Skelator! Is he on drugs, do you think? It must be drugs. But why would he do drugs? Maybe it's bizarro atkins?" Sadly, I could not answer these hard questions for The Roommate. But it served as a painful reminder of the haunting, nasty feeling that can only come from a surprise encounter with the ex.
Curiously, just as The Roni was waxing philosophic about this particular sentiment, she got a surprise of her own. The Dark and Creamy, her estwhile Big City paramour, made a startling return from "Wait, I thought we stopped speaking?" Land. Apparently not. The truth of the matter is (yes, dear readers, we pause for a moment of candor) that The Dark and Creamy and I do remain very close friends. Our parting of ways was purely circumstantial and not because I thought he was a hideous beast not fit to share the same oxegenated mix as I or because he recognized me as a superficial snot with an ass the size of Brazil. (Luckily I left before he got to the "bottom" of that matter...oh snap! There is nothing The Roni loves more than a good pun...) Anyhew, so things between The Dark and Creamy and I were very good. That is until we met for drinks a few months ago and, in true Roni fashion, I drank five martinis and told him that I "wanted him to be my boyfriend this summer." To which he repiled that he "didn't think that was a very good idea." Things progressed...badly...from that point.
So there we were, or where I thought we were, when he out of the blue calls me last week and is astonished at "how long it's been since we talked!" Sure! Because the last time we talked things went so well that you just can't fathom how we haven't talked more about how little you want to date me. Because that'll be a fun conversation.
Which leaves The Roni confused in the brain. What is it with ex boyfriends? Don't they get it? Do you really want to talk to us? Or is it just when you're feeling low (maybe you've lost a few too many...hundred...pounds?) that you want to pop in on us, just to remind yourself that there is some other more pathetic soul than you out there, and guess what, you dumped them? Because that's just mean.

And with that, I give you a gratuitous Blind Item:
Continuing our Train of Indifference, which single lady, after forcing a friend to set her up on a blind date with a facebook crush (I know, I know...the dating of the modern era, people. Don't blame The Roni; she didn't come up with it...) promtly determines that he is WAY too immature for her and "not at all as cute as he looked in his facebook picture." Well, I guess when you pick from the drivethrough menu, the Big Mac is never going to look as juicy...

Helpful Hints for Secret Santa purchases

This year the Panty Posse decided to do Secret Santas instead of buying each and every one of our friends the lace-thong/boobie tassle set she's had her eye on. This was a good thought, but it seems people have run intom some difficulties. After several not-so-anonymous hints, The Roni thought she would send a little knowledge your way.
Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth, what everyone wants:

Regina George, in an ironic twist of fate, would like the Michael Bubble cd. The new one, with the songs he wrote; not the one with just covers. She is also trying to drag The Roni to Ontario to see him in concert. This is not happening for several reasons, the least of which being that The Roni doesn't believe in Canada.

The Bunny would like a light-up, singing vibrator. You know, the one that sings "have yourself a merry little christmas"?

The Roni would like, once again, that's right, this makes TWO not so subtle shout outs for it, a real baseball hat with mesh in the back so she can once and for all cover her hideous grill.

The Sorority Sister would like to drag the river in search of The Preacher, who we're convinced ended up in cement boots at the bottom of a watery tomb somewhere. Guess that's what you get when you join the mafia.
***On a side note about The Sister - just when you think you know someone, they go and do something so ridiculously cool, you wish you had done it yourself. The Sister proves once again why she has soul by packing up and heading to far away NJ to watch The Greatest College Basketball Team on the Planet, and The Roni's current boyfriend JJ Reddick, play this weekend. Sure it's finals. Sure we have exams on MONDAY. But it's The Sister. She dates someone in the mafia. Do you think she cares about trivial things like "grades?"

Speaking of cement boots, Two Boots would clearly like The Roni for Christmas. And he's bought her Something Special (a la the Elf lace teddy...). Baby, if that's what you want, I'm sure Santa can work something out for you...

MMCP would like The Roni to stop calling. Oh, and stop with the carrier pigeons. And the smoke signals. He gets it, and he'd like The Roni to rember the words of Wayne when Stacey says "if you're not careful, Wayne, you just might lose me." To which Wayne replies, "Shyeah, we broke up, are you mental?"

HesterP would like an inner monologue and the ability to control THE SOUND OF HER VOICE. Or at least that's what the people in The 'Brary would like her to get.

The Boobs would like to be able to drink again. All this "studying" is killing her game.

Well, I think that just about covers what everyone would like for Christmas - at least those who have not-so-subtly mentioned to me what they'd like. If you'd like for me to make a post about what you want for Christmas, boys and girls, please feel free to let me know.

Volokh

In light of Butterstick's comment on the Volokh post, The Roni has taken down her, ahem, blunt comments from a certain professor's course evaluation. The Roni likes freedom of speech, but she likes The Greatest Law School of All Time (and her $35k/year) better...

My Christmas List

For those of you interested in showing your gratitude and appreciation for The Best Thing to Ever Happen to You, I will give you My Christmas List. Here is what I want:

1. chocolate. and diamonds.
2. one of those baseball hats with mesh on the back part? you know, like an old school one? preferably one that's already broken in.
3. a complete and thorough knowledge of corporations law. the rest I can do on my own, but that one would be very helpful.
4. a wonderful and fabulous man interested in having a meaningful and committed relationship on an emotionally intense level. Preferably one who likes his women big.
5. Happiness and emotionally satisfying relationships for The Panty Posse. And it not, then hot nasty sex on a regular basis.
6. A woman for Zeus. Any woman. It doesn't matter. Trust me, he's non-discriminating.
7. Oh, and calorie free beer for my little bootilicious babies. I would hate to see their butts start to swell to such a degree (much like the elephantitis that seems to have overtaken this writer's own behind) that I no longer find them succulent.

Thank you. I promise I've been very, very naughty.

Blind Items

Wowza. It's been a busy 24 hours. Well, the situation is actually much more akin to the Jessica & Nick breakup - it happened two weeks ago, but The Roni was the last one to find out. So here it is for you, what is probably several weeks worth of belated Blind Items:

It appears that something is in the air...or that potion The Roni bought from the blind lady in Kiln, MS and dropped in the water supply is finally working, but either way, couples are breaking up like Ike and Tina launched a national campaign for singledom.

A certain 3L item who The Roni nominated for homecoming King and Queen parted ways recently. After crying all night and eating two pints of Ben & Jerry's, The Roni can finally report this item.

One well-known mixed-year couple also called it quits recently. Apparently she has signed on to play Jessica in the new Nick & Jessica Biopic and he's bound to finish out his Char-vegas days in obscurity in UG dormrooms.

Violets to The Roni's Fashion Inspiration for also surviving a rough split. The Roni knows that things look sad now, but when you can finally see past his ugly antics towards the end, you'll be able to see that many bountiful bottoms await you in the land of Singledom, where it's always a balmy 70 degrees and the tshirts are always stretched just so across the pecs...

The Roni has also experienced a sad break up of her own. She was forced to end things with Vince Vaughn when he stopped returning her calls. She hopes he and that hideous wench Jennifer are very unhappy together, Holywood style.

In other news, The Panty Posse has been experiencing the joys of being romanced, of late!

First and foremost, the darling of all of our hearts, The Apple of Our Eye (Apple) is beating back the requests from would-be suitors! And you be damned tooting that's how it should be. After suffering a rocky blow when she saw an old flame around town with Another Girl (and that's the nicest euphamism The Roni can come up with), Apple deserves a good pick me up! The Roni has her money on her favorite horse, Lil' Darlin', but she knows Apple will choose wisely...

Regina George has also been busy breaking the hearts of men wide open in her bare hands. After heavy email flirtation, Your Shirt Says "Giblets" (Giblets) finally took her out for a fabulous evening of dinner and conversation. Sure he asked her "why she's still single" (because that's an easy question for every girl to answer), sure she asked him why "he was so awkward," and sure she attacked him in the front seat of his car, but The Roni still sees "love" written across the butt of her pants, again Lisa Turtle style.

The Sorority Sister has almost settled down into a life of monogomy with The Preacher. It seems that a man who can bake, likes Nicholas Sparks movies and works for the mafia is just what The Sorority Sister was looking for. Right on Sister.

On the "You want to date me, but really, I'm indifferent" front, we have:

GWM bringing up the front of the train. Apparently love is blind, just not a blind date.

GWM is closely followed by Regina, who is still trying to figure out why he called to apologize for "being so awkward." (The Roni tried to explain that boys tend to do that when you call them out to their face, but it's falled on deaf ears.)

And finally, bringing up the Caboose of our train of indifference (how appropriate) is MMCP upon whom The Roni's feminine wiles are lost. But then again, when your feminine wiles consist of asking him to "go out for wings, or something fried" repeatedly and finishing the unfinished portion of his nachos, generally you shouldn't expect much. Don't worry, The Roni doesn't.

And one final blind item:
Which bloggette, in discussing her favorite pair of boots that need knocking, said "I want to sweep in and corrupt his fecal mind! Oh, I mean fecund."

Happy Blinding,
The Roni

Hurrah!

Thank you to a (slightly underestimated) Badger, and resident of the Den of Iniquity, for recovering something of value to The Roni, and hopefully to you all...

The Cast
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, The Cast List:The Roni: the man, the myth, the legend herself.

The Char-Vegas Girlfriends:
The Boobs: The pourer of many a jack & coke, a certified member of Parliament in Brazil, and one bad ass chick. She makes The Roni look like a nun.

Hester Prynne: she of the high pitched squeal, she of the TERRIBLE driving record, she of much notoriety among the men in Char-Vegas because she's damn hot.

The Bunny: friend, confidante, fellow Mean Girl. The Bunny will look The Roni straight in the eye and tell her her chances look good after a boy has thrown his beer on The Roni and run away screaming. And The Roni will believe it. That's how good The Bunny is.

Regina George: Regina would sit in the hallway of The Greatest Law School of All Time and hold up scorecards for the passerbyers if she could. Thankfully the rest of the Mean Girls won't let her go quite that far. Plus, The Roni has never seen her not impeccably attired and done up. The Roni wants to break into Regina's house at 6am just to verify that she does not, in fact, sleep in knee-high boots and a knee-length skirt with makeup on.

The Quiet Storm: in every group there is one who will never say no to a good time, and The Quiet Storm is ours. She takes The Roni's party attendance out back, smacks it around and calls it Sally.

La Brez: a thinner, less rotund, slightly more tactful, far more beautiful version of The Roni herself. Which basically means that La Brez is out sitting on bar stools pinching cute butts whenever she gets the chance.

The Sorority Sister: sister's got soul, and that's why she's my sister. Sister's also got game, and The Roni is hoping to pick up some pointers from her...

Foxxy Cleopatra: the name says it all, she's Foxxy Cleopatra and she's a whole lotta woman!

The Fashion Inspiration: some may call The Roni 80's girl, and to that high honer, I owe everything I know to my Fashion Inspiration.

The NY Friends:

The Roommate: the original Roommate of The Roni and the erstwhile common law spouse.

Narcoleptic Slut: NS once passed out while making out with a dude. We've never quite recovered from it.

Pooch: let's just say that Pooch discovered the all-you-can-drink Brunch place for us in NY, and we've been friends ever since.

The Rest of the Posse:

Zeus: my rock, my bizarro twin, my beard-growing homie (much like Jesus). Though he sometimes waxes a little too philosophical for The Roni. (She likes to keep it short, sweet and superficial.)

Dirk Diggler: best pair of pecs this side of the Mississippi.

GayWASPiness: GW is like the yin to The Roni's yang. Solidarity in blogging, my man.

Various Other Names That Might Come up:

Mr. Big: last year's major crush, who majorly crushed The Roni

The Cohabitators: obvi

The Sisters (1 & 2): virtual twins of The Roni, only cooler.

Two Boots: The Roni's new crush material. He's got two boots, and The Roni wants to knock them both.

MMCP: (Milky Milky Cocoa Puff) The Roni wishes he was her humps, but sadly that sentiment is apparently not shared.

The Lil' Darlin': jest about the cutest durn boy The Roni's e'er laid eyes on. A total dream. Sadly, he's taken...by The Sorority Sister.

The Apple of Our Eye (Apple): mess with her and you mess with the whole Panty Posse.

Your Shirt Says "Giblets" (Giblets): Regina's latest love intrigue

The Preacher: chef, Nicholas Sparks lover and mafioso, currently "seeing" The Sorority Sister


Public Service Announcement:

In light of this recent thread on XOXO, http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=311835&mc=29&forum_id=2#4458220, The Roni would like to say one thing:I don't suppose I can expect much from someone who calls themself "Douchebag," but in a rare moment wherein The Roni experienced an emotion she was not very familiar with, The Roni was actually...a little...hurt. I know, go figure. You think that when a girl's got an ass like a Rhinocerous (and it's true all you XOXOers, The Roni has a big, delicious ass, and you won't ever get a piece of it), you think she's impervious to your taunts. But nay, The Roni, too, has feelings. They mostly consist of "hungry" and "oooh, cute butt!" but sometimes something like this sneaks in there and gives The Roni pause.So I would just like to say that I am sorry if you think my little realm in the ether is lame. I hope it doesn't actively offend you, seeing as I neither (a) discuss anything about you or your life, or (b) go out of my way to get you to look at this blog. I guess I was just hoping that the people I actually think are socially redeeming in this world, who share my sense of humor and about whom I enjoy talking, would enjoy having a little corner of the ether in which to share our stories, laugh about eachother, and proclaim proudly from the mountaintops, "I like big butts and I cannot lie!"Apologies to all ye XOXOers who find offense in this. But you know what The Roni's got for you? It's a big bowl of LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I don't bother you, so why god, why are you bothering me!I thought, briefly, about shutting this puppy down, but then the words of every woman's heroine came to my mind. In my head, I saw it...I saw Bridget Fonda in that hideous sailor bathingsuit, on her knees in front of Jimmy Valentine, and I head her saying "They're not going to lick me! They're not going to lick me!! If I have to lie (that comes v easily to The Roni) and cheat (she doesn't do that on principle) and steal (she definitely doesn't do this, to all those Good Standing Committee members of the Bar out there), I'll NEVER go hungry again!" (I do, afterall, have to feed my ass...)


A Challenge

It's recently been pointed out to The Roni that this "Anonymous" is going around spewing guesses about the true identities of The Roni and her close, personal, intimate in a non-biblical sense way frien GayWASPiness in their cyber-dwellings. In the words of Aaron in Bring It On, "uh uh. Not cool." The Roni thinks this "Anonymous" is becoming anonymannoying. The Roni thinks that if you want to go peeking underneath our skirts, you should at least have the cojones (sp? The Roni didn't take spanish...) not to hide under your own veil of secrecy. If the majority of states have accepted piercing the corporate veil, we think you should to, Anonymannoying.


More Fritos, please.

Another Blind Item:Which GayWASPiness experienced a v successful blind date last night that may or may not have included breakfast this morning?(Thank you to Regina George for that one...)Also, on a side note, if you don't f-ing like what The Roni has to say, don't f-ing read her rantings!! You came to me, people, not vice versa. As The Roni learned in property last year, if you come to the nuisance, SUCK IT.
posted by The Roni at 2:20 PM

Juanita at the Diner
Bar Bri videos are the most ridiculous display of 1970's humor I have ever seen. Apparently Juanita at the Diner selling her shares of stock in Maybury Realty Corp does not count as an issuance. Good to know.Blind Items:1. Which delicious hunk of a man emerged from a room in The Den of Iniquity last night, and then seconds later, was followed by a 1L girl The Roni has never seen before. Shame on you; if you're going to pull a Brittney & Jared Leto, don't do it right in front of The Roni while she's in line for the toily.2. What Blog persona has his fingers on more gossip around The Greatest Law School of All Time than The Roni? And WHO IS HE?? Anyone who can identify this mysterious maligner, please alert The Roni.3. Which close, personal friend of The Roni made a trip to the Undergrad campus to visit a lovely lady friend, spent an hour watching tv, and then got kicked out without so much as a kiss on the cheek? Honestly, if you're going fishing in the undergrad pond, you better at least catch a goldfish.4. Report from The Sorority Sister's date: date was excellent. They watched The Saw (ah, The Roni loves touching romances) and The Notebook (The Roni is having trouble holding back her gag reflex). He cleaned AND baked. The Roni thinks this is love.
posted by The Roni at 12:39 PM

A veritable Cornucopia of Blind Items
The Roni has a beef with her lady-friends. The Boobs, Hester P, Foxxy Cleopatra, The Quiet Storm and The Roni were supposed to have a nice, calm martini after The 'Brary closed, then off to bed. The plan was for Foxxy and The Roni to pick the other two up at a certain Den of Iniquity and take them to Aisle 13 for said martini. Somewhere in her heart of hearts (i.e. somewhere, behind a dustball or two in the little tin box in her chest) The Roni knew this was never going to be, but she wanted to believe, and so, she did.10:30pm, Foxxy calls The Roni and says that she's found her couch, pajama pants and a bottle of wine. She's not going out.11pm, the scheduled time for The Boobs and Hester P to call for their ride. Nothing. 11:15, The Roni's phone rings. This is what she heards "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!! [static, static] [background screams] [sound of gunfire] [sound of pure, unadulterated sin manifested in sound waves] The party is AWESOME...you should COOOOOME!!!" The Roni has trouble understanding what she's hearing, but those could only be the high pitched squealings Hester P. The Roni's willpower slowly begins to drain from her. "Is there...beer?" "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuure! Coooooooooome, it's SOO fun!" shouts Hester P. "But there's, like, there's definitely BEER there, right?" Presses The Roni. "Oh yeeeaaaah. Fer sure. Also, Jamaican Pine is here."At this point, The Roni has already dropped her phone, ripped her sweatpants off her body (oh, who is she kidding, The Roni never wears pants in The House), thrown on the tightest jeans she could possibly find (all The Roni's jeans fit like she was dipped in denim paint), pulled, prodded and hoisted her boobs until they were on a platter, swabbed on some mascara (rule #1: never leave the house without mascara), and run out of The House like she was being chased by wild dogs.The Roni hops into The Ronimobile and starts making the long, long (emotionally speaking) drive to The Den of Iniquity (abandon all hope, all ye who enter here). Suddenly her phone rings again. "Hey." Ah, that could only be the deadpan tone of The Boobs. "This party rocks. You should come. Jamaican Pine is here." What is it with The Roni's friends that they know exaclty what to say to motivate her to overcome her intense dislike of The Den of Iniquity? They could have said "Dude, you HAVE to get down here! Aliens have landed and are teaching us to build a machine that prints flawless $100 bills and simultaneously makes you look like Cindy Crawford!" and The Roni would have passed. Anyhow, with the persistent urgings of both The Boobs and Hester P, The Roni was persuaded to make her way to The Den of Iniquity. (i.e. two 45 second phone calls wherein one tasty piece of booty's name was mentioned and The Roni was out like a fat kid in dodgeball.)As much as she hates to say this, though, the party ruled. It ruled like Louis XIV ruled, THAT'S how good it was. The Roni made a poor showing at pong, which she was disappointed about. Especially since she lost, twice, to The-Ex. But he deserved to beat her; he does, after all, spend all his time playing pong, and if he wasn't good at it, that would be a miserable waste of time. But overall, the night was a roaring success. Many cute little behinds found their way to the corner where The Roni was holding court, and she thoroughly enjoyed pretending to talk to them while simultanously assessing just how cute their booties were.The winner of The Cutest Boy of the Day Award goes to The Lil' Darlin'; he was a stunning tale weaver for The Roni last night, he has a marvellous bum, and is just the cutest boy there ever could be. The Roni wholeheartedly approves of him as The Sorority Sister's boyfriend.More blind items and an interesting, ongoing anthropological study in a bit...
posted by The Roni at 11:00 AM

Saturday, December 03, 2005
Now we're really in trouble...
Oh shit. I'm all out of bubble gum.No, seriously. The Roni chews bubble gum compulsively when studying. Likely because she has a tremendous oral fixation (knock yourselves out, undergrad psych majors...and all The Roni's friends with the minds of 12 year olds). Regardless, the last piece of Super Bubble just went in the kisser and things could get ugly. No bubble gum? No cute bums to contemplate? No pre-adolescent crushes to strategically "wander by" in The 'Brary for a study break? The Roni just might crack...
posted by The Roni at 5:57 PM

OMG
Ser, people, The Roni is going stir crazy. It took her all of four minutes to drink her Extra-Large Chai Tea Latte, and she thinks the cinnamon has gone to her brain. She cannot sit at a table for eight + (8+) hours without running through The 'Brary screaming and ripping her clothes off. Sadly, all the hot little tushies have apparently decided to study elsewhere today (? what? when was this decided? The Roni was not informed.) so there is no real motivation to allow people a glimpse of her luscious waves of flab as she tears down the hall in a screaming rage.In the words of The Sister 2, "it's another beautiful day in Temporary Town [where The Sister 2 is taking a 4 month hiatus]; the sun is completely blocked from the sky, the clouds are ominous, and it's a balmy 12 degrees." But there is one bit of shiny lining on that nasty cloud (The Roni loves shiny things. Big, sparkly, Cartier-spawned, shiny things...); the official Yay! of the Day goes to MelG for throwin' some sick tunes on her iTunes. The Roni loves to listen to your music on the network. It's almost like being able to play in Carrie Bradshaw's closet - a chance to try all kinds of fabulous things The Roni does not own and does not intend to spend the cash to acquire.
posted by The Roni at 5:24 PM 3 comments

Friendly note from The Boobs:
fyi - i just learned that "The Supreme Court ruled that an Indiana statute prohibiting public nudity could be used to require that female dancers must, at a minimum wear pasties and g-strings when they dance." in case you were wondering. bet you don't get to talk about pasties in corporations.The Roni says, where's the fun in stripping if Souter's going to make you wear pasties and a g-string?The Boobs replies, I like pasties. I think I might buy some and wear them to school.Lucky for The Boobs, The Roomates bought The Roni a pair of boobie tassles for her birthday last year...
posted by The Roni at 11:51 AM 0 comments

What does this mean?
The Roni is tired. The Roni is very, very tired.After a day of slugging away on truly provocative legal doctrine (note the sarcasm), The Roni decided to spend a nice, relaxing evening watching Elf with The Bunny and Regina George and then getting to bed early. This did not happen. The Roni blames the fifteen (15) cups of coffee she had yesterday and Tom Wolff, for writing I am Charlotte Simmons, which The Roni is currently reading and could not put down last night until 3:30 a.m. Two things happened as a result of pushing The Roni's bedtime back a cool four hours. First, The Roni decided waking up at 7 a.m. to go to the gym was not that sweet of an idea. This, of course, foils The Roni's plan to have her body begin to eat her ass. Well played, ass.Second, The Roni had a bizarre and vivid dream last night. The Roni rarely dreams; she usually just passes out cold in a half-empty box of poppa john's. (Oh, who are we kidding, the box is empty. Sad, alone and empty, like The Roni's miserable existence. Oh the tribulations of being a girl who eats her feelings...) Perhaps this dream was provoked by the prolonged talk she had with Zeus about his extremely bizarre dream right before she went to sleep. Perhaps it was the Qdoba. Regarldess, The Roni had this dream which she takes to be very profound. In it, we were in the library studying and MMCP (or The Shetland Pony, as thoughtful reader Ad Coelum noted) comes in on crutches - The Roni is surprised - followed by his fiancee - The Roni dies from shock.MMCP is not engage, but The Roni takes this as sure sign that the gods have frowned on this crush and are telling her, in no uncertain terms, to move on. But then again, The Roni would hardly qualify as an "expert" on psychology and dream manifestation for purposes of the Federal Rules of Evidence, so what does she know.So that was The Roni's exciting 12 hour hiatus from The 'Brary.And now, some blind item quotes:3. The Narwhale: "Bye Buddy! Hope you find your dad..."4. Zeus, on learning Chinese: "If I could speak Spanish and Chinese, I could be a BILLIONAIRE!"5. The Bunny: "We're so mean. I love us."6. Lucas, from Empire Records: "What's with today, today?"
posted by The Roni at 10:12 AM 1 comments

Friday, December 02, 2005
Update from The 'Brary
People, you need to be here to see this. Jamaican Pine keeps walking right by The Roni, (in an effort to seduce her? Or just caught in her ass's gravitational pull?) but he insists on toying with The Roni and bending over to "tie his shoes" right in The Roni's line of sight. And by "tie his shoes" I mean, tossing that scrumptious little be-hind in the air. This is taking some painful restraint on the part of The Roni.
posted by The Roni at 5:34 PM 3 comments

Oh Geez.
How on earth is The Roni supposed to study now? Jamaican Pine, the hottest little piece of booty this side of Compton just rolled into The 'Brary and it's all The Roni can do not to run over to him, throw him down on the table and ravage his sweet, supple self. As The Sorority Sister says, "it gives new meaning to 'riding the Pine.'" Amen, Sister, amen.
posted by The Roni at 4:23 PM 0 comments

Damn, looks like EVERYONE was stepping out last night!
Just got this email from The Designer:"got a call from pooch. left her whole purse in the cab and the driver must have called most every person in her phone book bc a) she's getting emails from ex-bf and other undesirables about her phoneb) her dad got woken up at 230 AM to a phone call from a man who he could barely understand and thought the guy was saying "i have your daughter" instead of "i have your daughters phone" . oh man!c) she took home a 22 year old and remembers nothing about what happened. he was an employee of one of her friends and her friend was calling her all morning like "ummmm... have you seen my employee that you took home bc he hasn't shown up yet...."d) pooch is not at work today. "
posted by The Roni at 3:46 PM 0 comments

Two more quick things and A BLIND ITEM!
1. Update from La Brez - Hotel Rouge has...wait for it...Zebra bathrobes. Would you expect anything less?2. While The Roni is asking for advice, she thought she might throw another log on the fire. Last night The Roni did something potentially stupid. She is going to be visiting The Sister 1 in Suburbia over Christmas break, as is Teurel, who will be visiting Suss who just had a baby. Go figure. Anyways, The Roni and Teurel can't go for more than twenty four (24) hours without ten jack & cokes, so they figured they'd try to get out on the town while they were there. So who does The Roni email to ask to take them out on the town? None other than Mr. Big. This is most likely a terrible idea, but The Roni is hoping someone will tell her that it's not THE WORST idea ever to (a) have emailed him, (b) see him, and potentially (c) maybe have a brief rekindling of the flames that burned (The Roni alive) all last year?
posted by The Roni at 10:50 AM 1 comments

"I wanna take ya pictcha..."
The Roni went out last night. That's right, it's exams and the Roni was boozing. But that's just how The Roni rolls.Anyhew, several interesting observations were made:1. The Roni has a problem. She's hooked and she can't stop starin'.Usually quite the diligent student, The Roni has not the time for the pleasures of the flesh, (that's not even remotely true) but lately she has been noticing a startling number of hot tushies wandering around The Greatest Law School of All Time. Last year, there was nothing doing around this place, but now they are everywhere! It all started with The Roni's new crush, My Milky Milky Coco Puff (if you don't know The Roni's Theme Song, My Humps, by the BEP, then get out of my ether-manse right now). MMCP has a delicious, succulent ass that The Roni loves to stare at (while it runs away from her, screaming. MMCP, not the ass...). But then it wasn't just MMCP - tight nubile booties were popping up everywhere! Maybe it's The Roni's own prominent ass that is calling her to notice that more rotund feature, much like whale song, only from ass to ass.The bottom line is, now The Roni cannot stop looking at all the cute little behinds walking around The Greatest Law School of All Time. And she likes it.2. The second issue I would like to call your attention to is The Exam Beard. We all know that right around exams, everyone gets a little loose in the hygeine department. (Last year The Roni went nine (9) days without showering. She's hoping to break that record this semester. ) And in that trend, many of the fairer sex (The Roni thinks that dudes are the fairer sex, since The Roni doesn't really like to look at chicks unless it's to eviscerate them. Also see above discussion on all the tight booties The Roni can't help but noticing lately) begin to grow beards. The rationale behind this is that exams are too stressful and boys are too busy to shave.Now, The Roni likes a manly beard, thus she encouraged Zeus to grow a nice manly beard (Zeus grows a great beard). This was several days ago. Last night when The Roni was pounding beers with Zeus and Dirk Diggler (her two favorite men alive), she inspected the progress of the Exam Beard and made a shocking discovery - Zeus has been shaving his neck.The Roni finds this unacceptable. A of all, it completely violates the rationale of the Exam Beard; if he has time to shave his neck, he has time to shave the whole kit and kaboodle. B of all, it makes Zeus look far too much like Kevin Federline (which is a little too close for comfort where Zeus is concerned...). Literally the boy had a line right under his chin where the beard stopped and the neck began.I hate to be so harsh to a man as fabulous as Zeus, and we all know that The Roni is a heinous bitch, so let me put it to you - is The Roni wrong on this one? Is shaving at the neck kosher, or should Zeus be taken out back and shot, as a proxy for the sins that Kevin Federline has committed?3. And finally, a gripe. The Roni woke up this morning to discover that there was no hot water left. The Roni's Roomates almost never wake up before The Roni, thus this was a shocking and disappointing surprise for The Roni, who only wanted to wash away her sins in a scalding hot, steamy act of contrition. But no dice. She can't really hold it against The Roomate, but at least she had blocked her car in and made The Roomate wait until she had finished her toilet before she moved The Ronimobile.
posted by The Roni at 10:24 AM 4 comments

Thursday, December 01, 2005
La Brez recently sent me this: http://www.rougehotel.com/The firm she is interviewing with is putting her up in this hotel the night before her interview. For the uninitiated, law firms foolishly pay to fly law students around the globe for 3 hours of interviewing and an extravagant lunch. The firm will also pay for a night in a hotel room if the student is coming from far away. And by far away I mean if you are interviewing in midtown and your school is downtown, they will put you up in the hotel. [Please don't let this reference to NYC fool you into thinking that The Roni attends NYU Law. The Greatest Law School of All Time is waaaay better than that school for flunkies.]But I digress...Generally speaking (and The Roni loves to speak in broad generalizations that rarely actually pertain to real life and are largely just products of The Roni's own vast and powerful mind), generally speaking, these hotels are close to the firm and not all that fabulous. The Roni has yet to stay in the Plaza, but she's keeping her fingers crossed.So when I saw this from La Brez, I was instantly curious. Generally (again, gross, largely speculative generalization) firms tend to shy away from hotels upholstered in red velour with enormous fur blankets, no?
posted by The Roni at 7:05 PM 0 comments

Musings from Corporate Finance
For those of you unfamiliar with The Roni, I am a law student at The Greatest Law School of All Time. I say this for those of you on the slightly more dense side, because this fact should be obvious to everyone else from my scorching intellect.I have two things to say to you right now:1. Law Students should not take classes that deal with "practical" matters. I reference Corporate Finance. This is a "real" class, and you all know how The Roni frowns on "reality." Law students are just not equipped to deal with classes where real things like numbers and equations are involved. We're not prepared for situations where there is, like, a real live actual answer to a question. We're all about essay questions where there is no absolute answer and no matter how long you type you can never hit on every aspect of the "answer." So while I sit here in my TWO AND A HALF HOUR Corporate Finance class, I wonder "why on earth do I insist on drinking a beer during this class every thursday because it only makes me so very sleepy..." [note to the unfamiliar - The Greatest Law School of All Time has a keg at school every thursday]. But I also think "why on earth am I taking this class?" It really sucks The Roni's will to live, and The Roni already has so very little to live for...This, incidentally, leads me to a side-bar comment. Think of it as Thought 1.5: I love classes entitled "...And the Law." Like, oh yeah, while we talk about Environmental Policy and Theory in the Latter Half of the 19th Century, we're also going to talk about THE LAW, because it's such an easy topic to tackle in the 8 weeks of class we have...2. The Roni has come to an interesting realization in her life. She has finally realized, after a quarter century, that people are f-ing weird. This is reassuring, as The Roni hates to be the only one doing anything. If she's going to be the bizarre, idiosyncratic, outrageous person she is, there darn well better be some nose-picking, fart-smelling post-adolescent out there to join her on the list of People Who Are Just Plain Weird. Thank you nose-picking, fart-smelling 25 year old guy. What are you doing this weekend? The Roni could use a date...
posted by The Roni at 5:15 PM 0 comments

Won't You Be My Neighbor?
Well, there goes the neighborhood.Just as you experienced a wave of euphoria when Kid Rock and Joe C unpacked their subwoofers next door, so too shall you rejoice when you see who's moved in now. That's right, there's a new game in town, and her hookers won't be afraid to park in your driveway, metaphorically speaking.The Roni isn't even exactly sure what that means, but it does seem like a perfectly apt way of describing what she's cooking up here. It's a little tactless, a bit more bizarre, a whole lot shameless and straight from the heart. Well, The Roni doesn't have a heart, just a little tin box in her chest where her heart should be. But straight from that empty shell in her chest cavity, The Roni has made you something special. After all, 'tis the season.

But first, The Roni has some rules:
1. The Roni believes, above all else, in the pursuit of excellence. While she has continuously failed to achieve this goal herself, she nonetheless believes that all people should aim high. And The Roni will be there to ridicule you mercilessly when you fall far, far short.
2. The Roni understands that we've all woken up in Mexico city, covered in tequila with a tattoo that says "I [heart]Rodrigo" on your ass and a dead hooker in the closet. Some people more than others (The Roni still wonders how TWO "I [heart] Rodrigo"s fit on her left cheek, but The Roni has an enourmous ass, so she does not spend much time pondering this marvel.) Thus The Roni will try her best to protect your anonymity. Your dignity she cares nothing about. As The Roni's boyfriend, Vince Vaughn, said "you did it to yourself, baby."
3. The Roni also wholeheartedly believes in self-indulgence. Things like the rules of grammar, spelling, syntax, "privacy," tact, "reality," mean nothing to her. She believes you can never have too many elipses, Kit Kats, hoop earrings, imaginary boyfriends (The Roni has LOADS of these), illicit rendezvous...es (rendezvouses? rendezvous's? rendezvi?), shout outs to her preponderous derriere and jack and cokes. Please indulge her these things, she has so little else to keep her going...
4. The Roni LOVES gossip. She loves it. She eats it for breakfast. Well, that and a big bowl of bitchy. She will, whenever possible, attempt to send a little nugget your way. She makes no voucher for the accuracy, privacy, or timeliness of said gossip. But if she hears it, and The Roni thinks you've been good enough girls and boys for her to pass it on, she'll do it. You did it to yourself, baby. (Thanks Vincy...Jen, if I see your little skank self around my man again, I swear I will take you out back and knock those 15 pounds you lost for Friends straight from my ass to yours.)

Ok then neighbors, I think that just about covers it. I'll try to make a visit your way again soon. But for now...I gots to study.

PS In checking to reassure herself of the proper spelling of "derriere," The Roni found the above picture on Google. The Roni would like you to know that this resembles not even remotely her ass. This is in case you were reading her blog in an attempt to score with her; The Roni just wants you to know what you're getting yourself into. And it is decidedly NOT the succulent behind in the picture.
posted by The Roni at 3:36 PM 3 comments

My Recent Response to The Roomate's Holiday Party

As much as I hate to be invited to things the invitor KNOWS I cannot attend, I do enjoy having the world see my witty responses. And since my sense of humor leaves "bizarre" at the airport and heads all the way south to "just plain ridiculous, have you seen a therapist?" I do so enjoy writing especially strange things for The Roommate, who truly appreciates them.

Thus, my response to her (fomerly OUR) annual Holiday Cocktail Fete, which this year includes a talent portion:
"Eat your food, Tina! I'll be there in spirit, and we can all say that if I were there, my talent would clearly be a birthday shimmy for Jesus."

My Pants are Killer

Ok, so I know I bailed and then I sorta came back and then I got lame, but with the arrival of The Worst Pants Ever, I figured, what the hell, my ass makes a huge easy target and the pants sure don't help, so why not let 'em take aim. At least something will be hitting my ass...

So let's talk about these pants. They're a monstrosity. They could not make me look more ridiculous if they had the light up Lisa neon sign on the butt, a la Lisa Turtle. (Anyone who does not get that reference can just go sit in the corner and watch all 8 seasons of Saved By the Bell until they do.) But they are so bad, they're almost...good. Like, if you're going to go down in flames, better just totally rock out with your bad self. If you hesitate, the dogs will smell the fear on you and attack. But if you wear bright green pants that make your ass like like two sea lions mating, might as well say, "Yes, it's huge. And it's spectacular."

With that, Friends, The Roni hopes you'll welcome her back into your neighborhood. She's sorry she ran and hid under the bed. But, well, boys are scary, and the make me feel funny inside. I hope you understand.